You can't always get what you want...

I need a job.
I need A job.
I NEED A JOB. A JORB. I need one. I NEED one. I need ONE.

I feel so utterly incompetent at anything available out there--either because I'm not qualified enough or because I'd be ashamed to work there. But perhaps that's what I need. Please God, don't let that be what I need.

I feel like a failure before I even get a chance to start the day. I don't know how people do this for months on end. It's hard 'work'.

Sigh.

And everywhere I go I'm blabbing about needing a job. I figured by now someone would have suggested something that would have worked out.

And the places I have sent my resume to for positions that I could easily fit into I haven't heard back from. It's like an audition all the time. Only I'm not playing a character as I try to sell my skills, I'm playing myself and it's a lot harder to be rejected for yourself then for a character you play.

I feel a little like Joey Tribiani. Yeah, that's right.

You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might just get what you need.
Well, I need a damn jorb.

Newness and yet the same old things...

So much had changed! I'm married now! I'm a wife...ah...weird. Where are my knitting needles and slacks?

The wedding was AMAZING--what a beautiful day. I'd never imagined it as a kid, but I don't think I could have imagined how fantastic it was. Everything was beautiful and happy and relaxed--the ceremony was ethereal; the reception so much fun; dancing was endless and packed; the food delicious! And then it was over as quickly as the day arrived.

The honeymoon was also amazing--2 weeks in Jamaica in the sun (and rain), tanning, scuba diving (and coughing). It was all so surreal and wonderful.

And now we're home and all the newness is mixing with what remains. My tiny apartment is bursting with wedding gifts, Ken's things, and a dog we're dog-sitting. I now have someone sleeping with me every night, but when I wake up around 4am I'm very aware I'm waking him up too. And then there are my insecurities which don't magically disappear as soon as my last name does. Old habits and thoughts meet new patterns and obstacles in a flurry of confusion and a constant struggle to maintain routine, normality, equilibrium.

Some decisions can't be made without Ken, and some I'm more than happy to hand over to him to make for me; new groceries never purchased are added to my grocery list and new foods end up in my cupboards; the instinct to be alone at times is mocked but I haven't felt lonely in months...and so it goes.

The novelty of hot newness, like energy, transfers its' heat into the cold stagnancy of routine making everything just warm. Newness loses its' edge and routine gets a shake-up.

This will take some getting used to...the blessings and the uncertainties of being married; of being a wife (who doesn't wear an apron or use night-time cream for her face).

Pink Faux Fur Skies

Have you ever noticed the sky at night in Hamilton when it snows?

It turns pink and has the texture of faux fur. I hate to be cold--I get chilled easily, yet, when it snows in Hamilton it warms my heart to be in it. To be in the heart of the furry pink sky late at night when no one is really awake; when there is little traffic, fewer pedestrians and my neighbours have all gone to bed or to work for the night; to lie on my bed and watch the sky glow as white snow falls like icing sugar dusting all the imperfections of the city, my heart is warmed and I feel content.

Romance flourishes under pink faux fur skies and melancholy becomes a desirable state of mind.

Even the man upstairs with his anger, bitterness, loneliness and madness is soothed by the soft night. His footsteps are lighter and the music he chooses it peaceful--even to me. He coughs less and paces very little.

I can hear my neighbour on my left has come home. She shuffles up the three flights of stairs with surprising energy considering the time of day she returns and the time since she left. She rarely fumbles with her keys, unlike me, and tonight her touch is gentle and when the door closes it isn't startling. The delicate wonder of this night has pacified us.

The ebb and flow of my old building contracting and relaxing with the fluctuations in temperature is the only sound I can hear besides the distant whir of a siren and putting of an engine.

Tomorrow will come too soon and the pink sky will fade into gray conjuring up little passion in those who observe it. The usual frustrations of the day will return with the sun and the fantasy of the snow will become a mild nuisance to motorists, pedestrians and the like. And in the morning, as I sadly move between dreams into reality, a vague sense of distaste will cloud my mind as I reflect on this flowery post inspired by snow.

He's living my dream...

This movie makes me incredibly happy.
Also--if some of you (better yet, a group of you) out there are struggling with what to get us for our wedding present--we're registered at The Bay but more importantly, we're registered for a great video camera---something that would make me even happier because then I could make my own movies like this one!


Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

This post goes out to all the MIA girls (and boys) who had candy in their shoes. Candy AND canned heat.

I'm a little bit ashamed of this post...

I've realized a crazy thing lately--well, for a while now. Yet, after almost a quarter of a century of habitual thinking patterns, it's hard to think in new ways.

And that new way is that the Lord is always there--ready to pick up where I left off. I think there's a period of adjustment where sin is involved, but generally, the Lord is just waiting to pick things up again--like a long standing, long-distance friendship.

I have a few friends like that--people I don't have to see or talk to for months, sometimes years, and yet when we're together we carry on like we've never been apart. Actually most of my best friends are those kinds of people. Not sure if that's bad or not.
But it sure is helpful.

Because with those friends there's no guilt, no shame, no anger, no resentment for not being in touch more often. Sometimes there's a bittersweetness to it once you realize how much you miss that person, but there's no guilt, because they love you and any time they can spend with you is priceless.

The Lord is like that--because he isn't interested in having us 'put our time in', or how 'deserving' we are.

Anyway--this post is dedicated to RuBy--for her inspiring, challenging posts on life, learning and God, and for her friendship that is like Jesus'; picking up where we left off without a second thought.

Wedding drama...but no crying lately

Yesterday consisted of mailing invitations, picking up my dress, doing some alterations on it, forgetting (temporarily!) my mother's birthday, working on my resume, my book, doing research for my book, doing research about wedding favours, updating my to-do lists and exercising because I can't fit into my dress.

Today consists of tracking down gifts for my bridesmaids, redoing the budget, mailing more invites, getting my sewing machine fixed, preparing for Ken moving in, getting quotes for cakes, looking into furniture for Ken and I and exercising again, because chances are good I won't fit into my dress again today and for many days.

Ah. This is the life.

But with so much out of the way, like choosing a photographer, videographer, the church, the reception, the pastor, the dress and al the bridesmaid's stuff and sending out invitiations I feel much more relaxed and prepared. For now.

Consequently I'm looking for a job. Part-time mind you, but I have lots of time these days and I suddenly feel the domestic responsibility to help win bread, especially for things like down-payments on houses and just surviving the economy these days.

Anyone got any leads?

Fortunately I haven't had my Monday break-down for a few weeks! This is great news for Ken. However, I'm sure there are more of those to come.

Hm, Ellius wants me to post more things about wedding plans...but it's not very interesting apparently.

Oh--Ken's parents met mine on Sunday. We had them over for lunch--it went well. There was some good laughter, good food, and intimate conversations. Overall a good experience. AND as a bonus my apartment is pretty much as good as it's going to get for a while! So--all of you out there you're welcome to drop by sometime!

We had a little photo shoot on the fire escape after lunch.




On and annoying note--as I was preparing for Sunday by hanging pictures on the walls my neighbour upstairs--the very neighbour taken to hospital by EMS workers about a month ago because of drug use--pounded his fists on my ceiling after about the 6th nail. He proceeded to sing in a foreign language and play his foreign sounding guitar. This lasted until about 1am when he literally fled from the building.
Ah...how comforting.
I think I'd rather live below an angry man then a drug-man.

A little research...

I don't know how I got onto this, but something made me research the species of baboon indigenous to the mountain region of Malawi that I was in when I was lost hiking there.
Apparently it is the yellow baboon, or hamadryas, variety. Omnivores, travel in packs, with one head male...who roars.




I had the mace in my left hand and my leatherman in the right hand (for accuracy) and I was SO ready to kill. I already had the headlines running through my head 'Lost hiker slays vicious 80 lb. male baboon' or 'Canadian backpacker lost in mountains makes a meal out of pack of dangerous baboons'

I never got a good look at that male, so putting a face to those roars is...disturbing.

That's all I wanted to say. You can be impressed and amazed now.