Old passions revisited

Well, it's well into 2007, thought I'd start the year off with some photography. As the story goes, my brother was asked by a local band to fill in for their awol photographer, but he referred the job to me, and the whole experience renewed my passion for photography.
So, here we go.
Hopefully I'll be posting a lot, because, so far I'm taking about 100-500 photos a week. There's gotta be something good in there! However, my internet has been a real hassle, so I'm...trying new ways to steal it better. Steal it well?
Let me know what you think:

Holiday reflections

Hey you few....
I'm desperately ill and the fact that I'm single hits home more than ever.
Anywho...I just wanted to say I'm recovering from boys. I've been having really beautiful dreams about guys that I trust. And I don't think it's God saying 'you will marry this guy in this dream' (bc I drempt about Scott Hunt....uh huh), He's just trying to reassure my heart that I can trust men...select men...but it CAN be done.
....I think the dreams are totally from God because I've been really distressed and praying about it a lot. Hating guys was a fun shtick for a while, but I'm tired of the anger. As far as I know boys don't read this blog, but if they're phantom bloggers, then I'm sorry I said I hate you. Oh, it was loath wasn't it? Well, either one...I don't hate you all. Just a few.
Thanks to everyone who wrote to me expressing their concern. It really did help.
So, Merry Christmas to you all!
AND
check out myspace at http://www.myspace.com/punkareux
It's fun and you can laugh at my pictures!
Hope to see you all very soon and if you're nearby bring me some soup. Or new lungs.
I miss my mum.

What I know...

So I've been thinking--are there any real men out there?
Because, however jaded and stereotypical this is, from what I can see, guys all want the same thing. And no matter how much older I get, or how much more experience I have under my 'belt', I never seem to learn that guy, boys, men, all want the same thing. Sex.
This is so after-school-special, but is that all I am? Some kind of meat to be had and then disposed of? Is that what it really comes down to in the end? Whether or not I give them what they want or fight for my heart?
Experience tells me, yes, that's all it comes down to.
I'm so heartbroken. I can't believe this is what it's come to. I can't believe I've ended up like this.
But I have to believe.
This is how it is. These are the facts.
I am no good to a man as a woman. I'm only good to a man as something to be 'had'. Even with good intentions, a man, at his core, wants the flesh. Damnit, not even my flesh. Just the best flesh he can get his hands on.
It's such a paradox. I want to fight for my heart, but I want to be wanted...
But in the end, it's simple.
I want to fight for my heart. And if that's the difference between eternally single and perpetually hurting, I'll take the latter.
I give up.
I'd rather be whole and lonely, then diced and desired.
This is all said with such clarity, calmness, civility...yet I loath them all.
I'm sorry I've gone back on my word, Ben. You know I hate going back on my word, but it's the truth.

I can't trust. I can't rely. I can't believe. I can't hope. I can't lean. I can't abandon. I can't humble. I can't allow myself to be vulnerbale. I've learned I can't put any stock into men. It's a depreciating accet.

This isn't how it was meant to be. I know that much as well.

Self-pitying report on life.

This about sums things up.









I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Alfred Tennyson - 1850

try again

Weird--that post for my brother-in-law is loco! After I posted my last post both posts for Chris disappeared...so here it is again...for my brother-in-law Chris:
I'm sorry I made fun of Tintern Abbey. I LOVED the abbey--but they charged me full admission (first of all...admission into a church?) when I only had 20 minutes before it closed. And then they chased me out. I ran away for a bit, got lost, then gave in.
HOWEVER disagreeable the staff were, the actually building was fantastic, and I'd venture to say it is also one of my favourite places on earth.

To Chris:


p.s. new vulgarity rule: there's to be none to little bad words. We're all intelligent people here! Let's use the other 85% of our brains and expand our vernacular. Instead of one of my favourites 'well shit' I'm going to try 'Consequently I'm perturbed and chagrined!'
ps2. I've started listening to Christmas music...anyone else?

Damage control:

Man, I've been offending people right and left here. I'm sorry everyone. This picture is for you...I didn't draw it--I found it on Google...but it says it all really. And the wolf really speaks to me.

I'd destroy this blog and start again if I wasn't so darn funny! I just can't bring myself to destroy all those funny blogs and quips. Oh, and the funny comments too! (RB, you're hilare!) But I have edited here and there, because, as a dear friend of mine pointed out, this blog doesn't really represent who I am very well.
So, I'm changing the format a little. Less negative talking...more positive, uplifting, glorifying God comments. This does not mean I won't rant and rave now and then...just less I suppose. Try and keep the anger under control.

So to avoid hurting and insulting people, I've found this excellent diagram. Please refer to it if you find yourself offended or hurt..."Oh! I just realized--I'm offended by that!" and let me know where you are on your scale of displeasure.


TTFN, everyone! It's been a gas!

Some close-ups!

This is a lioness on the prowl. This was also about the time I got really freaked out by how close she came to our vehicle. Right Amy?


And this is an elephant--this close up is more impressive on my computer. You can actually see her eye-lashes in this photo. Sorry I can't get it bigger so you can see.