After midnight, I'm going to let it all hang down. Then I'm going to shake my tambourine. Shake my tambourine. Shake my tambourine.
For those of you know are aware of the Lakeland debacle, rather, the Todd Bentley debacle, I have a word to two. For those of you who are not aware, I can't decide if I think you're lucky or deprived.
There are a couple things I've concluded.
One is, a lot of pain and suffering in this life could be avoided and completely prevented if we all heard the voice of God for ourselves--as we're supposed to.
This would cover our bases in discernment, trust, truth and love.
And there is a part of me that is a little fatalistic in that I feel that despite a person's (potential) shortcomings, if God speaks mightily through them, who the hell am I to argue or judge?
But then, Ken makes a good point--isn't that our job? To discern and weigh words against the Bible?
Then again, what did people say in David's time when he had an affair, a child and murdered a man? I'm sure they were disillusioned too. Yet, God still used him yadda yadda---but more importantly said he had a heart like his own (1 Samuel 13:13-15). Whoa. So the adulterous murderer has a heart like God? The actions have little importance to God verses matters of the heart?
Tres cool.
I guess I'm feeling disillusioned less over Todd because he's just a man, not some immune super-hero, and more in regard to my own judgement.
Who do I look up to? Why do I look up to them? Does my discernment go as far as discerning what the person besides me believes in? I'd have to say yes. Generally it does. It's rather near-sighted. And if there's anything God is not, it's near-sighted.
On a lighter, nay, fatter note--I'm...not ideal. Ew. What a way to put it. I just feel so strongly that considering my health history and the family history, to not be in shape as I approach 30 is a mistake. Especially to not establish a healthy lifestyle before it's too late or before I have kids is the biggest mistake.
On a smaller note I've moved---I'm in a 1 bedroom place just around the corner from my old place with Bek. Strangely I don't miss it in the least. I miss Bek and Gill and Ryan and being SO SO close to Ken, but overall I feel it was time and I was ready to move.
FYI I have internet and phone at my new place now, and the number is still the same.
I've had 5 weddings this summer and I have two more this fall. Exciting/terrifying!
Well--I should go track calories eaten today so I can be shocked and disgusted with myself.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
I need ultra-sound treatment...or DO I?
*** I work at Mac doing scenarios with medical, nursing, physio, etc students to help them learn, prepare, and take their exams. This is a story from last weekend.***
There's a knock-knock at the door. It startles me by it's forcefulness--almost too purposeful. The force of the knock makes me want to defy it's knocker and not answer. Pretend like 'oh, were you knocking' just to make a point that the knocking was over-done. But, I'm not that calloused. Not yet.
'Hello...' he looks at his note pad, 'Stephanie?'
'Yeah.'
'Hi--I'm Peter. I understand you hurt your knee in soccer?'
'No. Squash. Hard left.'
'Oh. That's right. On your....the back of your left knee? Well--it looks like we're going to do some ultra sound therapy today. Have you had ultra-sound before?'
'Nope.'
'Do you know anything about ultra-sound?'
I just shake my head. Swinging my legs from the side of the exam table has become a chore by now--let's just get this over with. I've been reduced to one word answers or gestures, if possible.
'Well, ultra sound is a, basically it's crystal in the head of the machine that has sound waves passed through it and, well, essentially provides a 'deep heat' or 'deep massage' to the injured area bring blood to the area to support healing.'
'Hm. That IS basic.' Actually, it's pretty fascinating. Something like a naturally occurring crystal being used as an effective, widely accepted tool in modern medicine.
'So, I'm going to get you lie on your stomach. Yup...ok...and I'm going to put this pillow under your stomach for comfort...'
This is incredibly awkward and not comfortable.
'Comfortable?' he asks me.
'Yup.'
'Ok--now I'm going to put some ultra sound gel on your knee and then on the head. This gel is just to aid in the transmission of the sound waves into your tissues---it's a little cold...sorry.'
'Oh. That's...cold.' Tres amusant. It's not cold. But it's like choosing your battles in 3rd world medicine--is it harmless, harmful or helpful? In this case telling Peter, no, the gel is not cold, would be harmless yet I'm sure would lead to a thorough examination of my thermal sensations. So, for now, yes, the gel is cold. That's the right answer.
'Ok--well, I'm going to keep the head moving to avoid burning you'.
'Thanks.'
'So, we'll do this for 5 minutes.' Pete's breathing is returning to it's resting state--poor kid. At least this time gives him a chance to collect his thoughts.
As we both continue playing in this ridiculous tableaux the examiner is also catching up--making notes, shading in little circles, waiting for the student to do the right thing...or the wrong thing.
This 5 minutes of active therapy, ('please, demonstrate your technique for 5 minutes,') is boring for all of us. Not only that but after a while the paranoia sets in and we all start wondering if we're not doing something crucial that we should be doing.
The examiner is thinking--what did I miss? Has it been 5 minutes yet?
I'm thinking--have I forgotten an important piece of information? What is Peter thinking? I hope he's not thinking things up to talk about or trying to figure out if he's missed an important piece....
And no doubt, Peter's thinking 'this is too easy? What did I miss?'
It's at this point, around the 3.5 minute mark, about the time the spot on the back of my leg begins to get irritated by the osculating attention that I'm tempted to toss poor Peter a bone. He's desperately searching for something crucial he's missed. He needs something, he wants it, even if it isn't scripted--'why isn't the examiner stopping me? Is she waiting for me to figure out the REAL problem? Is there something serious I missed?' When suddenly I begin seizing and I topple to the floor writhing and shaking on the laminate floor. It wasn't my squash injury that's caused my leg to hurt--it's thrombophlebitis and I'm having a stroke!
No--that's too dramatic. Peter might cry under the stress.
Instead I begin to cry---I'm really a recluse and I purposely injured my knee just to so I could be touched on a regular basis. No...that's too psychological. I might try that on a med student, but not a physiotherapy student. I also toss the 'abuse' idea around--but again--too psychological.
In the end I contemplate just laying my head down...closing my eyes for a second...or two. It's been such a long day--and this is my last exam scenario for this class of physio students.
Suddenly the whistle blows and I'm back in character--'All done, Stephanie.' Peter wipes the gel off my leg along with the sweat from his forehead that dripped on my leg, mingling in with the gel, providing a better transmission solution no doubt.
There's a knock-knock at the door. It startles me by it's forcefulness--almost too purposeful. The force of the knock makes me want to defy it's knocker and not answer. Pretend like 'oh, were you knocking' just to make a point that the knocking was over-done. But, I'm not that calloused. Not yet.
'Hello...' he looks at his note pad, 'Stephanie?'
'Yeah.'
'Hi--I'm Peter. I understand you hurt your knee in soccer?'
'No. Squash. Hard left.'
'Oh. That's right. On your....the back of your left knee? Well--it looks like we're going to do some ultra sound therapy today. Have you had ultra-sound before?'
'Nope.'
'Do you know anything about ultra-sound?'
I just shake my head. Swinging my legs from the side of the exam table has become a chore by now--let's just get this over with. I've been reduced to one word answers or gestures, if possible.
'Well, ultra sound is a, basically it's crystal in the head of the machine that has sound waves passed through it and, well, essentially provides a 'deep heat' or 'deep massage' to the injured area bring blood to the area to support healing.'
'Hm. That IS basic.' Actually, it's pretty fascinating. Something like a naturally occurring crystal being used as an effective, widely accepted tool in modern medicine.
'So, I'm going to get you lie on your stomach. Yup...ok...and I'm going to put this pillow under your stomach for comfort...'
This is incredibly awkward and not comfortable.
'Comfortable?' he asks me.
'Yup.'
'Ok--now I'm going to put some ultra sound gel on your knee and then on the head. This gel is just to aid in the transmission of the sound waves into your tissues---it's a little cold...sorry.'
'Oh. That's...cold.' Tres amusant. It's not cold. But it's like choosing your battles in 3rd world medicine--is it harmless, harmful or helpful? In this case telling Peter, no, the gel is not cold, would be harmless yet I'm sure would lead to a thorough examination of my thermal sensations. So, for now, yes, the gel is cold. That's the right answer.
'Ok--well, I'm going to keep the head moving to avoid burning you'.
'Thanks.'
'So, we'll do this for 5 minutes.' Pete's breathing is returning to it's resting state--poor kid. At least this time gives him a chance to collect his thoughts.
As we both continue playing in this ridiculous tableaux the examiner is also catching up--making notes, shading in little circles, waiting for the student to do the right thing...or the wrong thing.
This 5 minutes of active therapy, ('please, demonstrate your technique for 5 minutes,') is boring for all of us. Not only that but after a while the paranoia sets in and we all start wondering if we're not doing something crucial that we should be doing.
The examiner is thinking--what did I miss? Has it been 5 minutes yet?
I'm thinking--have I forgotten an important piece of information? What is Peter thinking? I hope he's not thinking things up to talk about or trying to figure out if he's missed an important piece....
And no doubt, Peter's thinking 'this is too easy? What did I miss?'
It's at this point, around the 3.5 minute mark, about the time the spot on the back of my leg begins to get irritated by the osculating attention that I'm tempted to toss poor Peter a bone. He's desperately searching for something crucial he's missed. He needs something, he wants it, even if it isn't scripted--'why isn't the examiner stopping me? Is she waiting for me to figure out the REAL problem? Is there something serious I missed?' When suddenly I begin seizing and I topple to the floor writhing and shaking on the laminate floor. It wasn't my squash injury that's caused my leg to hurt--it's thrombophlebitis and I'm having a stroke!
No--that's too dramatic. Peter might cry under the stress.
Instead I begin to cry---I'm really a recluse and I purposely injured my knee just to so I could be touched on a regular basis. No...that's too psychological. I might try that on a med student, but not a physiotherapy student. I also toss the 'abuse' idea around--but again--too psychological.
In the end I contemplate just laying my head down...closing my eyes for a second...or two. It's been such a long day--and this is my last exam scenario for this class of physio students.
Suddenly the whistle blows and I'm back in character--'All done, Stephanie.' Peter wipes the gel off my leg along with the sweat from his forehead that dripped on my leg, mingling in with the gel, providing a better transmission solution no doubt.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
If I were a real writer...
I'd write many many books. I mean, actually finishing writing many many books. And a few would be fiction, a couple would be anecdotal for people with Crohns and one would be spiritual. It would go like this:
The Rebirth of Death
By Claire De Ath (hopefully my name would be changed by then....fingers crossed!)
Perface:
Are you hungry for more of the Lord? Are you unsatisfied and desiring more in your walk with Jesus? Are you desperate for more revelation of his Love for you and of your love for Him? Have you read countless books that leave you overwhelmed and striving with techniques, prayers and missional living? Then go to chapter one.
Chapter 1:
Fast. Pray. Read. Go do it. No, right now.
Put down this book--just another book in the long line of books you've half read in hopes of finding that secret formula, certain prayer, the magic words that would give you the Kingdom--and go fast. And while you fast, pray. And when you pray give the Lord time to respond. And the rest of the time read the Bible.
I'm not kidding. Do it now. You know it's the answer.
The End.
That's my first book. I mean, it's only the 1st draft. But I feel pretty good about it. I think I'm sending it into a publisher next week. Just need to tweak some of the punctuation.
The Rebirth of Death
By Claire De Ath (hopefully my name would be changed by then....fingers crossed!)
Perface:
Are you hungry for more of the Lord? Are you unsatisfied and desiring more in your walk with Jesus? Are you desperate for more revelation of his Love for you and of your love for Him? Have you read countless books that leave you overwhelmed and striving with techniques, prayers and missional living? Then go to chapter one.
Chapter 1:
Fast. Pray. Read. Go do it. No, right now.
Put down this book--just another book in the long line of books you've half read in hopes of finding that secret formula, certain prayer, the magic words that would give you the Kingdom--and go fast. And while you fast, pray. And when you pray give the Lord time to respond. And the rest of the time read the Bible.
I'm not kidding. Do it now. You know it's the answer.
The End.
That's my first book. I mean, it's only the 1st draft. But I feel pretty good about it. I think I'm sending it into a publisher next week. Just need to tweak some of the punctuation.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Of new days and old ways.
A few things to update you all on.
1) On Friday Ken and I celebrated the 6th month mark of our dating relationship. This is quite exciting for both of us--both having been essentially single for about 2 years before last November (don't ask about the 'essentially single' remark) and with an exciting future looming in the distance (and don't tell Ken I said that).
We celebrated the event with a lobster dinner we cooked ourselves followed by a late-show movie. Here are a couple shots from that night:
It wasn't fun boiling them alive. It's definitely not our new tradition.
2) I officially shot my last wedding on Saturday! It went well, photographically speaking, but nerves speaking I was...a mess. Thank God, no...really, that a close friend of the bride's was there to take pictures with me. Turns out he's in school for photography, if you can believe it, and let's just say I was exposed for the fraudulent photographer that I am. But his presence was honestly a God-send. I wouldn't have survived without him. So, this post is dedicated to Darin Rigo. (Darren?)
And as I casually mentioned above, this will be my last wedding*. It was fun while it lasted. Psh. Hardly. It was excruciating and almost always had an element of humiliation. But it's another trophy job I can add to my ever-growing list of oddity jobs. It will be right up there with goose wrangler, pneumonia patient and nude model.
Here are some shots from the last two weddings.
And a sneak peak at Jessica Culver's wedding from Saturday:
3) Lastly...well, truthfully I hadn't thought of a 3rd point when I started this post. Perhaps as the photos load, it will come to me.
Oh, well the study for my NARM exam in Aug continues on. It's been a good solid couple months that I've been studying full time and it's getting easier as I cover and recover topics.
I'm going away to study for quite a bit this summer. First Amy has invited me to study with her in New Mexico in July, and closer to the exam I've been invited to study with the most recent group of MIA girls in a lake-side mansion in Florida. Ouch. That's going to suck.
No, it will suck quite a bit since Ken won't be able to be with me at all over the collective 4ish weeks I'll be away. (And he won't come visit. Shame shame.)
Anyway. That's it! I have too much work to do today!
*Excluding being asked to do a small wedding, medium wedding or even big wedding for a friend, or for someone in a pinch.
1) On Friday Ken and I celebrated the 6th month mark of our dating relationship. This is quite exciting for both of us--both having been essentially single for about 2 years before last November (don't ask about the 'essentially single' remark) and with an exciting future looming in the distance (and don't tell Ken I said that).
We celebrated the event with a lobster dinner we cooked ourselves followed by a late-show movie. Here are a couple shots from that night:
It wasn't fun boiling them alive. It's definitely not our new tradition.
2) I officially shot my last wedding on Saturday! It went well, photographically speaking, but nerves speaking I was...a mess. Thank God, no...really, that a close friend of the bride's was there to take pictures with me. Turns out he's in school for photography, if you can believe it, and let's just say I was exposed for the fraudulent photographer that I am. But his presence was honestly a God-send. I wouldn't have survived without him. So, this post is dedicated to Darin Rigo. (Darren?)
And as I casually mentioned above, this will be my last wedding*. It was fun while it lasted. Psh. Hardly. It was excruciating and almost always had an element of humiliation. But it's another trophy job I can add to my ever-growing list of oddity jobs. It will be right up there with goose wrangler, pneumonia patient and nude model.
Here are some shots from the last two weddings.
And a sneak peak at Jessica Culver's wedding from Saturday:
3) Lastly...well, truthfully I hadn't thought of a 3rd point when I started this post. Perhaps as the photos load, it will come to me.
Oh, well the study for my NARM exam in Aug continues on. It's been a good solid couple months that I've been studying full time and it's getting easier as I cover and recover topics.
I'm going away to study for quite a bit this summer. First Amy has invited me to study with her in New Mexico in July, and closer to the exam I've been invited to study with the most recent group of MIA girls in a lake-side mansion in Florida. Ouch. That's going to suck.
No, it will suck quite a bit since Ken won't be able to be with me at all over the collective 4ish weeks I'll be away. (And he won't come visit. Shame shame.)
Anyway. That's it! I have too much work to do today!
*Excluding being asked to do a small wedding, medium wedding or even big wedding for a friend, or for someone in a pinch.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
My Rollercoaster
Oh the undying lament of a melancholic romantic--Will I ever be normal?
I feel tres transparent of late--and I know, have been a bit of downer for you phantoms out there. It's true, I can't compete with the ER or the OR, and in true melancholic style, (or was it a Simpsonism?) if you can't win why bother trying.
Yet, I will persist!
Things have just been so enjoyable lately I can't help but want to blog about it--if not to refresh your impression of me.
Let's see--my 25th birthday turned out to be a fantastic day--completely delightful and lovely thanks to Ken, RB and the team (GnR, Joneseseses, Jenny etc etc) Although the piercing-every-8-years tradition with Jen and Catherine was broken I still managed to deface myself with a nose ring.
Had there been an appointment available I would have tattooed myself the same day. But that happened on Thursday and although I LOVE the design the tattoo itself will require touch-ups. Mmmm....that will feel nice. Being tattooed over my veins and tendons again.
This is the new tat AND piercing. You can't tell in this pic but I just had my hair blondified today. It needs a bit more work, but I'm pretty happy.
I've had the great privilege to photograph my first wedding on Friday. I think it went well, but I haven't heard from the family yet. We'll see. Hopefully it goes well since I have two more weddings THIS month.
I've also been asked to write for my church's newsletter....again... No--I'm only joking. Don't get me wrong it's been such an honour being able to sit with people I don't know and hear their life story. Wow. Everyone has a story to tell. And very few are without tragedy and a few tears.
This little gig has been a huge impetus to write more, not to mention read more to improve my vernacular, grammar, and comfort with English.
More and more I'm feeling called and, whoa, Excited to write.
The lord has been so good to me lately--it's been an answer to a long standing prayer: I want to know Him and be on fire for Him; to hear his voice and understand it.
And with that wisdom that has revealed more of who He is, more of who I am has been revealed.
It's such an interesting paradox--as you 'press on' to know Him you ultimately do, of course, but you also begin to see who YOU are in Him---which is an endless fountain of hope in your calling and future in Him.
Anywhoskis--sorry I've been a real drag lately--it's something one has to walk through at times, as you all know--but unfortunately I have a public forum in which to do so. Ha. Suckers.
This is a kitchy song from the Juno soundtrack by Kimya Dawson--it's a feel good song that if you listen to too much you'll hate one day. So, beware.
This is a version of it I found on YouTube:
I feel tres transparent of late--and I know, have been a bit of downer for you phantoms out there. It's true, I can't compete with the ER or the OR, and in true melancholic style, (or was it a Simpsonism?) if you can't win why bother trying.
Yet, I will persist!
Things have just been so enjoyable lately I can't help but want to blog about it--if not to refresh your impression of me.
Let's see--my 25th birthday turned out to be a fantastic day--completely delightful and lovely thanks to Ken, RB and the team (GnR, Joneseseses, Jenny etc etc) Although the piercing-every-8-years tradition with Jen and Catherine was broken I still managed to deface myself with a nose ring.
Had there been an appointment available I would have tattooed myself the same day. But that happened on Thursday and although I LOVE the design the tattoo itself will require touch-ups. Mmmm....that will feel nice. Being tattooed over my veins and tendons again.
This is the new tat AND piercing. You can't tell in this pic but I just had my hair blondified today. It needs a bit more work, but I'm pretty happy.
I've had the great privilege to photograph my first wedding on Friday. I think it went well, but I haven't heard from the family yet. We'll see. Hopefully it goes well since I have two more weddings THIS month.
I've also been asked to write for my church's newsletter....again... No--I'm only joking. Don't get me wrong it's been such an honour being able to sit with people I don't know and hear their life story. Wow. Everyone has a story to tell. And very few are without tragedy and a few tears.
This little gig has been a huge impetus to write more, not to mention read more to improve my vernacular, grammar, and comfort with English.
More and more I'm feeling called and, whoa, Excited to write.
The lord has been so good to me lately--it's been an answer to a long standing prayer: I want to know Him and be on fire for Him; to hear his voice and understand it.
And with that wisdom that has revealed more of who He is, more of who I am has been revealed.
It's such an interesting paradox--as you 'press on' to know Him you ultimately do, of course, but you also begin to see who YOU are in Him---which is an endless fountain of hope in your calling and future in Him.
Anywhoskis--sorry I've been a real drag lately--it's something one has to walk through at times, as you all know--but unfortunately I have a public forum in which to do so. Ha. Suckers.
This is a kitchy song from the Juno soundtrack by Kimya Dawson--it's a feel good song that if you listen to too much you'll hate one day. So, beware.
This is a version of it I found on YouTube:
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
It's the dawn of a new ear...I'm sorry, era.
It's 12:01am.
I'm 25.
There's a VISA bill sitting, unpaid, on my desk, (from my father's VISA account no less), midwifery books and notes still to be studied, and a song playing by Blue Rodeo and Sarah McLaughin:
Tell me you dreams;
Lay your head on my pillow.
Tell me the things that you hide away;
Your pain, your pleasure, your sorrow.
I'm a year older but nothing has changed except the beginning of a new beginning. My deadline for childbearing is apparently up; I can now recall things that happened "23 years ago" (it's true--but it involves breastfeeding...sooooo I won't get into it); and I am officially at least 3 years off from when I thought I'd be married.
Things surely aren't what I had thought or even wanted them to be--but then I'm so grateful I'm not married to the man I thought I would be only a couple years ago. And I'm even more grateful for the time I've had living with Rebekah and then Gill and Ryan then Ken---these aaaaaarrrrrrre the daaaaaaays we will remember----
Midwifery has taken a turn for the worse but the experiences and memories are priceless and will be, no doubt, instrumental in the plans God has for me.
My Psalm for this year is Psalm 26:
Vindicate me, O LORD,
for I have led a blameless life;
I have trusted in the LORD
without wavering.
2 Test me, O LORD, and try me,
examine my heart and my mind;
3 for your love is ever before me,
and I walk continually in your truth.
4 I do not sit with deceitful men,
nor do I consort with hypocrites;
5 I abhor the assembly of evildoers
and refuse to sit with the wicked.
6 I wash my hands in innocence,
and go about your altar, O LORD,
7 proclaiming aloud your praise
and telling of all your wonderful deeds.
8 I love the house where you live, O LORD,
the place where your glory dwells.
9 Do not take away my soul along with sinners,
my life with bloodthirsty men,
10 in whose hands are wicked schemes,
whose right hands are full of bribes.
11 But I lead a blameless life;
redeem me and be merciful to me.
12 My feet stand on level ground;
in the great assembly I will praise the LORD.
That's a tough act to follow. I can't say I've not sat with the wicked, nor that I have led a blameless life. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this.
Anyway--thanks to everyone for a great 24th year--thanks for putting up with my crap and for holding me up in prayer far too often.
I'm 25.
There's a VISA bill sitting, unpaid, on my desk, (from my father's VISA account no less), midwifery books and notes still to be studied, and a song playing by Blue Rodeo and Sarah McLaughin:
Tell me you dreams;
Lay your head on my pillow.
Tell me the things that you hide away;
Your pain, your pleasure, your sorrow.
I'm a year older but nothing has changed except the beginning of a new beginning. My deadline for childbearing is apparently up; I can now recall things that happened "23 years ago" (it's true--but it involves breastfeeding...sooooo I won't get into it); and I am officially at least 3 years off from when I thought I'd be married.
Things surely aren't what I had thought or even wanted them to be--but then I'm so grateful I'm not married to the man I thought I would be only a couple years ago. And I'm even more grateful for the time I've had living with Rebekah and then Gill and Ryan then Ken---these aaaaaarrrrrrre the daaaaaaays we will remember----
Midwifery has taken a turn for the worse but the experiences and memories are priceless and will be, no doubt, instrumental in the plans God has for me.
My Psalm for this year is Psalm 26:
Vindicate me, O LORD,
for I have led a blameless life;
I have trusted in the LORD
without wavering.
2 Test me, O LORD, and try me,
examine my heart and my mind;
3 for your love is ever before me,
and I walk continually in your truth.
4 I do not sit with deceitful men,
nor do I consort with hypocrites;
5 I abhor the assembly of evildoers
and refuse to sit with the wicked.
6 I wash my hands in innocence,
and go about your altar, O LORD,
7 proclaiming aloud your praise
and telling of all your wonderful deeds.
8 I love the house where you live, O LORD,
the place where your glory dwells.
9 Do not take away my soul along with sinners,
my life with bloodthirsty men,
10 in whose hands are wicked schemes,
whose right hands are full of bribes.
11 But I lead a blameless life;
redeem me and be merciful to me.
12 My feet stand on level ground;
in the great assembly I will praise the LORD.
That's a tough act to follow. I can't say I've not sat with the wicked, nor that I have led a blameless life. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this.
Anyway--thanks to everyone for a great 24th year--thanks for putting up with my crap and for holding me up in prayer far too often.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Too much too little
This is ideal really. Even for a girl. Procreate A LOT then sleep it off.
I don't know about anyone else, besides Gill, who's not having fun these days.
Personally I'm eating too many calories, spending too much, online too often and stressing too much. Oh and apparently burning TOO MANY calories. Go figure.
On the other hand I don't have enough money, nor enough time or patience to study all day every day, my internet connect it too slow and no one knows how to fix it. As I sit here the wireless router is directly beside my computer and yet it struggles.
I'm too fat, too tired, too frustrated and too undisciplined.
My relationship with God is on the fritz too. I just have NO interest in fostering anything with Him at the moment. I feel exhausted from striving and have been let down too many times to care much. I recognize that I can't see the 'big picture' but that pisses me off further. Just show me the damn picture and then I'll have something to work towards! As it stands I don't know which prayer, which time of fasting, if I ask Him this way or that way, the next time of ministry or if I worship Him in this 'new' way will get me what I'm getting after.
And this new calorie counting bull-shit I'm doing...it's been ONE day and I'm SO ANGRY. I only have 200 calories left to consume for the rest of the day. I don't understand how that's possible. It's even MORE frustrating since I'm stuck eating high-calorie things like coconut flour and agave nectar on my Elimination diet instead of regular flour and sugar.
Life is just complicated beyond any grasp of sanity these days.
Studying is REALLY upsetting because the deeper I get back into it the more I realize how screwed I am. I need to LEARN most of this stuff again. So, I opted to blog. Took some pictures of a Gerbera daisy....the ushe.
I'm doing a little work at SLP in Waterdown. That's ok just frustrating because I am the kind of person who forgets things often because I'm multi-tasking so much. Which means many many trips to Ikea for items I've forgotten.
Or even the grocery store.
For example--I went to the grocery store 2 days ago--and last night I asked Ken to buy me some coconut milk. 'No no that's all I need. Coconut milk.'
By 11am this morning I have a substantial grocery list on my fridge again. How do I do it?
I was cruising along there for quite a while---and suddenly I've collided with an impenetrable wall made of calories, books I've never finished and Visa bills. I keep trying to work through it but like a good knot; the more you tamper with it the more complicated it gets.
Enough analogies? Friggin tell me about it! I'm sick of hearing myself think.
Here's a funny picture that made me laugh out loud...or lol. Oh I lol'd and I lol'd. It was hilarious. The owners referred to it as 'the lamb-dog'.
It's the look on his face. Something between shame and fear. He also looks a little annoyed. 'Yeah yeah...I'm a lamb-dog. Sheesh...laugh it up.'
Oh mercy. Then there's my birthday.
I just filled a prescription for more narcotics for my occasional Crohn's pain--I'm considering sleeping through the 29th. I just can't settle on anything to do---and the longer I waited more and more events took up all the potential birthday dates.
25. 25. A quarter of a century.
Here are the animals that live for 25 odd years:
-some dogs...(huh....I didn't know that.)
-cows
-tigers
-cats
-pigs of the wild variety
-bulls
-rattlesnakes
-pigeons (aka gray doves)
25 is the age by which my surgeons highly recommended I should have had ALL the babies I wanted to have. "Ok, ok. Let's compromise and I won't have ANY children by 25, but I'll start AFTER I'm 25. Fair?"
In dream language 25 represents 'the forgiveness of sins'. I hope that includes self-pity and indifference.
I don't know about anyone else, besides Gill, who's not having fun these days.
Personally I'm eating too many calories, spending too much, online too often and stressing too much. Oh and apparently burning TOO MANY calories. Go figure.
On the other hand I don't have enough money, nor enough time or patience to study all day every day, my internet connect it too slow and no one knows how to fix it. As I sit here the wireless router is directly beside my computer and yet it struggles.
I'm too fat, too tired, too frustrated and too undisciplined.
My relationship with God is on the fritz too. I just have NO interest in fostering anything with Him at the moment. I feel exhausted from striving and have been let down too many times to care much. I recognize that I can't see the 'big picture' but that pisses me off further. Just show me the damn picture and then I'll have something to work towards! As it stands I don't know which prayer, which time of fasting, if I ask Him this way or that way, the next time of ministry or if I worship Him in this 'new' way will get me what I'm getting after.
And this new calorie counting bull-shit I'm doing...it's been ONE day and I'm SO ANGRY. I only have 200 calories left to consume for the rest of the day. I don't understand how that's possible. It's even MORE frustrating since I'm stuck eating high-calorie things like coconut flour and agave nectar on my Elimination diet instead of regular flour and sugar.
Life is just complicated beyond any grasp of sanity these days.
Studying is REALLY upsetting because the deeper I get back into it the more I realize how screwed I am. I need to LEARN most of this stuff again. So, I opted to blog. Took some pictures of a Gerbera daisy....the ushe.
I'm doing a little work at SLP in Waterdown. That's ok just frustrating because I am the kind of person who forgets things often because I'm multi-tasking so much. Which means many many trips to Ikea for items I've forgotten.
Or even the grocery store.
For example--I went to the grocery store 2 days ago--and last night I asked Ken to buy me some coconut milk. 'No no that's all I need. Coconut milk.'
By 11am this morning I have a substantial grocery list on my fridge again. How do I do it?
I was cruising along there for quite a while---and suddenly I've collided with an impenetrable wall made of calories, books I've never finished and Visa bills. I keep trying to work through it but like a good knot; the more you tamper with it the more complicated it gets.
Enough analogies? Friggin tell me about it! I'm sick of hearing myself think.
Here's a funny picture that made me laugh out loud...or lol. Oh I lol'd and I lol'd. It was hilarious. The owners referred to it as 'the lamb-dog'.
It's the look on his face. Something between shame and fear. He also looks a little annoyed. 'Yeah yeah...I'm a lamb-dog. Sheesh...laugh it up.'
Oh mercy. Then there's my birthday.
I just filled a prescription for more narcotics for my occasional Crohn's pain--I'm considering sleeping through the 29th. I just can't settle on anything to do---and the longer I waited more and more events took up all the potential birthday dates.
25. 25. A quarter of a century.
Here are the animals that live for 25 odd years:
-some dogs...(huh....I didn't know that.)
-cows
-tigers
-cats
-pigs of the wild variety
-bulls
-rattlesnakes
-pigeons (aka gray doves)
25 is the age by which my surgeons highly recommended I should have had ALL the babies I wanted to have. "Ok, ok. Let's compromise and I won't have ANY children by 25, but I'll start AFTER I'm 25. Fair?"
In dream language 25 represents 'the forgiveness of sins'. I hope that includes self-pity and indifference.
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