Born to birth

Hello mon petit frites!

Good news! I passed my NARM exam! It's been a long journey and there was more than a few times that I wished I had never started walking down that road, but I did it, and I'm so pleased. I think I was the most pleased when I just WROTE the exam, so that when I found out I passed it was rather anticlimactic. Weird eh?

I've come a long way though--from being that green little hippie in Boise to a student in Manila to supervisor in Antipolo to today--just a regular girl in Hamilton planning her wedding.

Suturing for the first time. I enjoyed it too much and henceforth continued to enjoy it too much--even with the real deal.

Learning how to give (and receive) subcutaneous injections with Katie.

Studying hard in Manila a couple weeks after arriving. I believe that the stethescope on the text actually helps one to 'hear' the knowledge.

Our last homebirth as a team and as a clinic---in, without a doubt, the worst living conditions I've ever worked in or witnessed. Rats between your ankles, cockroaches on your back, being peed on and delivering a newborn on cardboard.

Helping a mother focus, breathe and push.

With my special survivor Baby Tan--born 8 weeks early and the only one of FORTY premies to survive the Nicu in a Filipino Children's Hopsital.

Albeit, a much wiser, harder-working and disciplined midwife-bride. (Ooooooh these words are rich in Christian subtexts, eh? You could just go crazy with the parallels!)

Thanks to everyone who helped push me (ah...hilarious) to the finish line.

(More on wedding shananigans later!)

Lessons in human nature

Interactions with people are always amusing--in one way or another. I believe my levels of patience, or my cap, is pretty pathetic, so maybe I'm not the best observer of human nature. Yet a few interactions last week stand out.

I was at the mall returning a book to the library when I walked by a dress shop and saw a dress in the window that I wanted to have for my honeymoon--so I went in. I asked the guy working there what size it was, assuming it was tiny, and I suppose I scrunched my face when I asked because he was literally taken-aback. He said it was a medium and that I shouldn't frown so much. I looked slideways at him and continued looking at clothes. He proceeds to prophecy over me:
'You're really high maintence, aren't you?'
'No.' I pout. 'I have high standards.'
'Yeah. You're hard to please. How's that going for you?'
(I can't believe this conversation is happening.)
'Fine enough I suppose considering I'm shopping for my honeymoon...' and I flash him my ring. 'So I guess things are going just fine thanks.'
He pauses, all the while just watching me look through the racks. 'So basically you've just found someone who's just as picky as you?'
'Is that a bad thing?'

I try the dress on and love it--there aren't any mirrors IN the change room so I have to come out and he's all over me. 'See I told you not to frown so much--it fits. It looks great. See here,' he starts touching my waist, 'this is so flattering.'

I can't believe he's just touching me, but I'm too....startled to do or say anything. He continues to do this despite my very clear body-language 'get the flip away from me'.

So I leave that store in a daze--feeling totally insulted yet somehow complimented as well. Also having been groped and having done nothing about it and just smiling at him and buying a dress.
People are weird.

Then--this is a little life lesson for you all:
DON'T POINT OUT OBVIOUS PHYSICAL ISSUES TO OTHERS YOU DON'T KNOW OR CARE ABOUT

I feel like that is Life 101, yet a lot of people haven't learned that yet.

I was at my HipHop class, (yes, hiphop yo,) and whenever I exercise I get a really red face and get super sweaty. That's just me. It's been like that since childhood. It's doesn't matter if I'm totally out of shape or in the best shape of my life. And I know it's not a phenomenon unto me alone.

Yet, as I was busting my moves in class an older lady who was too 'dizzy' to participate turns to me and says with a big smile 'Your face is all red,' as if she had said 'looks good!'
It was so bizarre. I was infuriated and humiliated. YES my face was red. Any idiot who wasn't COLOR BLIND could see that (I guess in that case she would have thought I was cyanotic?), but who points that out? She might as well have said 'Your hair is in a ponytail!'

I've been totally wounded like that before in ballet classes as a kid. I was asked why my feet were so wide by this girl named Clarissa who was a petit ballet-bodied Italian girl. And a girl named Sarah told me there were bumps on my arms. As if a young girl isn't aware of these things.

Anyway folks. Do mankind a favour and be kind. Put yourself in the position of receiving the words you are about to say and see how they make you feel before you wound another with a flippant remark.

And I thought last week was bad!

Hey folks!
As most of you know, I hope, Ken and I were engaged almost two weeks ago! These pictures were taken that day by my sister, Catherine. I don't think we even need to get 'professional' ones done, eh?

I'm so excited to be marrying this amazing man of my dreams ( despite my dreams about Tom Petty dancing in leg warmers) very soon! Jan 24th is the date--we were aiming for an extra week, but, a week sooner isn't too bad either.

It's only been about 10 days and I'm already begging Ken to consider eloping and SIGNIFICANTLY reducing our guest list. This would be heartbreaking to not have a lot of people that we love there, but it would be more heart breaking if the bride DIED before the wedding due to freaking out.

Wow--wedding are expensive eh? Who knew.

My body is crying out though--I went from studying for my exam, to driving 8 hours to Michigan, to writing the exam in about 4 hours to IMMEDIATELY going to Target and buying wedding invitations. No break. No respite. No down time.
Needless to say I'm exhausted. I woke up this morning disfigured by an eye infection. Now I'm taking drops every two hours that slowly drip down the back of my throat leaving a sharp bitter sting. It's lovely.

And on top of all of this I thought it would be grand if I invited Ken's parents and my parents over to meet at my place before it was even ready for guests. This has led to a mad dash of painting (melamine inside...in winter...windows barely open. You might think that the windows not being open is merely a side-effect of the brain-damage I've had, but no, the windows were never open to start with.), cleaning, unpacking, hanging things up, yadda yadda.

Now might be a good time for Ken to go away on a work-trip for 4 days. Ok. Done. No I have NO ONE to help me wipe the crust from my eye while I lap up the paint fumes and drill holes in my walls.
Well, my dad helped...but that's not the imagery I'm going for.

Anywho! Despite all this, I'm happy! I'm getting married SOON! And I can't wait. I can't wait for it all to be over and to be able to just be with him.

Is that weird? I've never day-dreamed about my wedding. I've day-dreamed about marriage, but the actual day....not really. I think I understood from a young age that my personality makes me susceptible to stress, disappointment and anxiety, so I must have just avoided the topic altogether and day-dreamed about retirement.

Funniest clip EVER!

Bon soir mon petite fantomes! You know who you are and you know I don't like it!

Anywho--Ken ditched me for hockey...shockingly...so I rented Run Fatboy Run. It was directed by (gasp!) David Sschhhhhwimmer, and stars the usual suspects from the Hot Fuzz and Shawn of the Dead movies. So, you know it's hilarious and dumb. (But not in a Just Friends kind of way, RB).

Here is my favourite clip--don't mind the intro. It was the only version I could find online. I might have watched this....8 times laughing and crying and rolling around on my bed in gorgeous agony (pardon?) as I laughed until it sounded like I was being smothered by my pillow. Half gagging and snorting. It was....well, as I said, it was gorgeous.

Just the first minute or so...

AHHHHHAHHHAAHAH WHOA! .....and YOU READY?!?

Ah. Gold.

Anywhoskis--I'm off to the cottage tomorrow morning bright and early. I should be packing, but who can pack when you're laughing alone? Hey? Tell me--who can?

I would recommend this movie. It was funny, the accents are enjoyable and, yes, there's even a good message to the movie; something that particularly applies to me and my exam next week--fortitude, discipline and follow-through.
Good things.

List

This is a list of things I'm going to do, or not do, in two weeks when I'm finished my exam:

1) Eat Flamin' Hot cheetos until it hurts to poo
2) Have a massage and not stress that it's 'taking too long'
3) Never look things up in an Index ever again. (I might be fumbling around a book for a while, but I'll find what I'm looking for eventually. Or give up. In which case what I'd been looking for mustn't be very important to begin with.)
4) Paint my forest green tv cabinet, and UNPACK. Holy crap.
5) Have a tea party.
6) Hang pictures on the walls.
7) Not think about another person's vagina for at least a week
8) Burn my flash cards
9) Leave all the facebook groups that have anything to do with babies or breastfeeding. Just because I can.
10) Never carry over 60lbs. of books on one shoulder at one time ever again!
11) Brush my hair.
12) Shave my legs--yes Ken.
13) I may or may not continue wearing sweats I bought second hand at the Village. It feels pretty good.
14) Stop spending in excess of 15 hours a week at my parent's place
15) Read a book that doesn't contain the words 'obstetric disaster' or 'nipple stimulation'. Well...maybe a book with the second phrase in it.
16) Visit people I haven't seen in ages and meet new people I've been putting off until the exam was over. That's right. I've been putting off meeting new people. 'I don't know you? Sorry. You'll have to wait...oh another month or so.'
17) Look for a job that supports me as opposed to a career in sucking my saving's dry and feeling like shit as it happens. It was a good run, but I'm looking for something more challenging.

That's it for now.
In the meantime, here are a couple pictures from my latest wedding gig:

Huh.

Sometimes it's unfortunate having grown up in a Christian home as it can deaden to you words, scriptures and theology that would otherwise blow your mind!

That happened to me today when, after ashemedly watching 100 Huntley St., I realized, hey, I have 'freewill'. Everything I do or say is a choice. God doesn't coerce me into things, or manipulate (that's the proper name for coerce, isn't it?) me into behaving a certain way, or cause my heart to suddenly be a different heart. He might romance me into wanting to, but ultimately, it's by choice that I spend time with him; by choice I turn to him when I'm angry; by choice muster up the courage to trust him.

I know this is Faith 101, but seriously, I hadn't ever really thought about it. Everything I do to get closer to the Lord is by MY will, and everything I do that takes me further from him is again, my choice.

Bek has really inspired me lately (but not ever anytime before just the other day) with choosing to take an hour out of her incredibly busy schedule to 'waste' on the Lord. The ball is in our court, so to speak. It always is and always has been. I mean, I suppose there are times when we wait on the Lord to answer a prayer or request, and then the ball would be in his court...inner court, I'm assuming. But the rest of the time it's my decision to serve the ball back.

Yes yes. We ALL get it. I don't need to keep repeating myself in different ways until I hear someone in the distance cry 'oh! I get it! Free will!' I'm just so stunned by this revelation---the gravity and seriousness of it, and yet, it being a gift.

On Huntley St. this lady was speaking about making choices. She told a story about praying with her friend. Her friend wanted to quit smoking so they prayed together, and no sooner had they finished then her friend said 'pray again. but this time ask the Lord to take away my desire to smoke.' And this lady, I don't remember her name, said 'no. I won't do that because God won't do that. You need to make the decision and say no to the cigarette and pray that God gives you the strength follow-through.'

I've never thought about it that way. I want to lose weight--and I'm certain I've prayed something to that same affect--'Lord, take away my desire to eat fatty foods.' When, because I love him and love my body which is his temple, I should pray for the strength to make wise decisions and the grace to follow-through.

The Lord is so dynamic, eh? So multi-dimensional and yet so simple and straight-forward.

The other cool thing I realized a while ago was that, if for a time I drift from the Lord, spending very little time or thought with him, he's one of those friends you can just pick up where you left off. It isn't a game--there is no time limit. I can turn to him and say, ok, where were we? And he won't miss a beat.
Again, this seems elementary, but to me, and perhaps to you, it was so refreshing and exciting that I didn't need to start from level 1 again. That whatever 'level' I had reached before I got lazy or angry or distracted, was the same 'level' the Lord was wanting to meet with me again.
He has so much grace. I can't fathom it.

Anywhoskis. It's almost the weekend! And I have another wedding on Sat. That's 6 this summer! Look for pictures forthcoming!
Here are a couple from my most recent weddings:

My quarterly blog. Qu'est-ce que c'est?

After midnight, I'm going to let it all hang down. Then I'm going to shake my tambourine. Shake my tambourine. Shake my tambourine.

For those of you know are aware of the Lakeland debacle, rather, the Todd Bentley debacle, I have a word to two. For those of you who are not aware, I can't decide if I think you're lucky or deprived.

There are a couple things I've concluded.
One is, a lot of pain and suffering in this life could be avoided and completely prevented if we all heard the voice of God for ourselves--as we're supposed to.
This would cover our bases in discernment, trust, truth and love.

And there is a part of me that is a little fatalistic in that I feel that despite a person's (potential) shortcomings, if God speaks mightily through them, who the hell am I to argue or judge?
But then, Ken makes a good point--isn't that our job? To discern and weigh words against the Bible?

Then again, what did people say in David's time when he had an affair, a child and murdered a man? I'm sure they were disillusioned too. Yet, God still used him yadda yadda---but more importantly said he had a heart like his own (1 Samuel 13:13-15). Whoa. So the adulterous murderer has a heart like God? The actions have little importance to God verses matters of the heart?

Tres cool.

I guess I'm feeling disillusioned less over Todd because he's just a man, not some immune super-hero, and more in regard to my own judgement.
Who do I look up to? Why do I look up to them? Does my discernment go as far as discerning what the person besides me believes in? I'd have to say yes. Generally it does. It's rather near-sighted. And if there's anything God is not, it's near-sighted.

On a lighter, nay, fatter note--I'm...not ideal. Ew. What a way to put it. I just feel so strongly that considering my health history and the family history, to not be in shape as I approach 30 is a mistake. Especially to not establish a healthy lifestyle before it's too late or before I have kids is the biggest mistake.

On a smaller note I've moved---I'm in a 1 bedroom place just around the corner from my old place with Bek. Strangely I don't miss it in the least. I miss Bek and Gill and Ryan and being SO SO close to Ken, but overall I feel it was time and I was ready to move.

FYI I have internet and phone at my new place now, and the number is still the same.

I've had 5 weddings this summer and I have two more this fall. Exciting/terrifying!

Well--I should go track calories eaten today so I can be shocked and disgusted with myself.