There are so many things in this life that I want to do, accomplish, FINISH, start, read, see, smell, experience, be good at, EXCEL at, be known for, teach, learn...
I want to see Paris. I want to read a million books--from classics to contemporary literature; from poetry to prose to plays.
I want to be good at singing--as though it were an instrument. Not just able to carry a tune but GOOD at singing--harmony, scats, spontaneous song, variations, pitch!
I want to play an instrument well--I used to play piano; I sort of play guitar....
I'm right back to the eternal struggle I've always had. I'm mediocre at a lot of things but I don't excel at anything.
I'd like to be that person who is amazing at that 'one thing'.
Oh Claire, yeah she's such a great vocalist.
You know who'd be able to help you with that project? Claire.
Perhaps it's the desire to be honoured by man. Yeah, that's most likely it. But I'm also unsettled in my soul that I'm so many different things. I'm scattered and disjointed and unorganized.
I feel like I'm always going though an upward learning-curve or struggle. Nothing comes easily to me. I just started singing on the worship team and I HATE it that I have to be coached along the ENTIRE way like some child. I've been asked to take pictures for two weddings this summer--and I almost want to say 'no' because I'm not that good. I can't even remember what an f-stop is. I used to, but the convenience of automatic cameras has cleverly robbed me of that skill by feeding into my laziness.
Ohhh how convenient! Now I can stop thinking altogether!
I wish I'd been named something prophetic that was undeniably WHO I was meant to be. Something Celtic for 'writer' or Hebrew for 'artist' or Latin for 'midwife'.
All of you who KNOW your calling and KNOW your place, more or less, Thank Yeshua you are blessed to know! And to all of you who think you're boring because you DO know--that's ridiculous. Don't be silly. You've had the courage to follow the promptings of your heart.
For the rest of us...I'm at a loss of words. We are the wandering children of the earth. The eternal artists who never surrender. Dreamers in denial.
Where is Contentment? Where has she gone to?
Where is Purpose? Has he forgotten me?
Nathaara: Arabic: Writer
Carisa: Latin: Artist
Melatiah: Biblical: Deliverance of the Lord.
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8 comments:
I feel the same. I really do think that part of it is just who you are. You were made to wear many hats. Sometimes the unrest comes from the fact that that is not celebrated in our society....no, you have to find your one niche and stick to it and that's so commendable blah blah blah. The other side is fear. I think we know when we're not pursuing something more or harder because we're afraid we'll fail or afraid we're not good enough. Right at the breaking point, I quit, surrender and lie to myself that whatever thing I was working on wasn't "me" anyway. But it WAS, I was just too scared to fail.... or succeed. So I am kept in this perpetual limbo of neither failing nor succeeding, trying to appease people and all the while enraged with myself. It's a BLAST.
And really, Claire, I would choose you to work on tons of projects and you really are talented and do excel at MANY things. Sometimes the things that give us the most trouble, though, THOSE are the things we were really meant for. Seriously. I think that sometimes the bigger the fight, the more importance or value there is in it.
Oh man, I've written a novel, but let's get together and talk about this more and check out what God says, too. I REALLY love this topic.....can you tell?
I can tell...I don't 'love' it per se, unless your definition of 'love' in this case is to incessantly think and agonize over it.
That could work.
I feel like I don't have raw talent. I feel like the little glimmers of talent all need to be roughly polished for a long time before they're actually a 'talent' worth anything.
But yeah....we should talk.
Hey Claire. Yeah, so... uh... you are definitely one of 'those' people who seems to be good at everything you do. Are you kidding? Every time I come to your apartment you're in the middle of a giant creative project, you're busy, running around, various materials everywhere. You're the one person I think of when people say, "do you know anyone good at.... " (fill in the blank with anything creative). Your post just shows me how easy it is for people to not see themselves the way others do.
Plenty of people don't do ANYTHING with their lives (like me for example), out of fear and laziness, or whatever reason.
I do understand how you feel, because I struggle with feeling inadequate all the time and wish I could be like those bright and talented people around me (like you) ... I just hope you can feel balanced and see that you are definitely amazing and unique and that you DO succeed in the things you do.
oooooh. merci! Thanks for the encouragement Annie!
YES claire, i agree with annie! not to minimize at ALL how you feel (and i can totally relate to it), but you really ARE "one of those people" you were describing yourself as NOT being. i know DOZENS of people who aren't pursuing any of their dreams (and most are practically unable to define them anyway), let alone pursuing a billion of them at once like you are. i think this may be a matter of perspective. give yourself some credit and delight in the diversity of your giftings and your eclecticism! something that will trip us up like nothing else is comparing ourselves to others. i'll never be the best composer or artist in the world, NOT BY A LONG SHOT, but that can't stop me from cultivating these gifts. it can't be about "success" or "failure" - how do we even define those things, anyway?!?! it's about... do you love it? then do it. the best you can! simple.
you're awesome. keep doing your thing, clairice!
I guess I am just comparing myself. but it feels so gude.
hey claire - welcome to my life! we have so many similar issues.
love you
Now you're getting me going again Claire....How about 2 hours commuting every day to get to your desk job where you review & approve F66 forms for the man, becasue you are the BEST IN THE WORLD at F66 forms. Home at 6:30 (traffic), Home Depot on the weekends, Poker Night on Wednesdays to bitch about the man, dinner at your Mother-in-law's on Thursdays to bitch about your mortgage & the government....until your retire.
Does that sound better? What a success you were! Best in the world at F66 forms! That took 4 years of post-grad! They're hard & important forms!
I don't think you realize just how many people spend decades of their lives this way. Nevermind making visible, positive contributions to the world & the people around them.
So what is contentedness? Does "merely" being a joy to others around you, an inspiration to us less inclined to even explore talents, a favourite aunt, a fun sister, a reliable project lead ;), a charitable volunteer in your neighbourhood & around the world, does this count for anything? What if that is "all" you were...(hopefully adding fun wife & super-cool mother...or not), would that be satisfying? You should examine your answer to that, whatever it may be, if you want to analyze something to death. ;)
I really do believe happiness at life, work & in a marriage is a choice - really. I found much relief in just deciding what I "should" be content with, sometimes having to remind myself, sometimes everyday. Not material things, but contributions, a good boss, husband, Dad, friend, brother. Shit, if I could actually sqeak out a tune around the campfire what a freakin' bonus that would be! The "grass is greener" pursuit has no happy-ending just like someone who defines "success" as simply "more"....you may know someone like that too. Wow, that's a tough road to happiness too.
Sam
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