Holiday reflections

Hey you few....
I'm desperately ill and the fact that I'm single hits home more than ever.
Anywho...I just wanted to say I'm recovering from boys. I've been having really beautiful dreams about guys that I trust. And I don't think it's God saying 'you will marry this guy in this dream' (bc I drempt about Scott Hunt....uh huh), He's just trying to reassure my heart that I can trust men...select men...but it CAN be done.
....I think the dreams are totally from God because I've been really distressed and praying about it a lot. Hating guys was a fun shtick for a while, but I'm tired of the anger. As far as I know boys don't read this blog, but if they're phantom bloggers, then I'm sorry I said I hate you. Oh, it was loath wasn't it? Well, either one...I don't hate you all. Just a few.
Thanks to everyone who wrote to me expressing their concern. It really did help.
So, Merry Christmas to you all!
AND
check out myspace at http://www.myspace.com/punkareux
It's fun and you can laugh at my pictures!
Hope to see you all very soon and if you're nearby bring me some soup. Or new lungs.
I miss my mum.

What I know...

So I've been thinking--are there any real men out there?
Because, however jaded and stereotypical this is, from what I can see, guys all want the same thing. And no matter how much older I get, or how much more experience I have under my 'belt', I never seem to learn that guy, boys, men, all want the same thing. Sex.
This is so after-school-special, but is that all I am? Some kind of meat to be had and then disposed of? Is that what it really comes down to in the end? Whether or not I give them what they want or fight for my heart?
Experience tells me, yes, that's all it comes down to.
I'm so heartbroken. I can't believe this is what it's come to. I can't believe I've ended up like this.
But I have to believe.
This is how it is. These are the facts.
I am no good to a man as a woman. I'm only good to a man as something to be 'had'. Even with good intentions, a man, at his core, wants the flesh. Damnit, not even my flesh. Just the best flesh he can get his hands on.
It's such a paradox. I want to fight for my heart, but I want to be wanted...
But in the end, it's simple.
I want to fight for my heart. And if that's the difference between eternally single and perpetually hurting, I'll take the latter.
I give up.
I'd rather be whole and lonely, then diced and desired.
This is all said with such clarity, calmness, civility...yet I loath them all.
I'm sorry I've gone back on my word, Ben. You know I hate going back on my word, but it's the truth.

I can't trust. I can't rely. I can't believe. I can't hope. I can't lean. I can't abandon. I can't humble. I can't allow myself to be vulnerbale. I've learned I can't put any stock into men. It's a depreciating accet.

This isn't how it was meant to be. I know that much as well.

Self-pitying report on life.

This about sums things up.









I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Alfred Tennyson - 1850