Disclaimer

I've been reviewing my blog.
It's nice to know a lot of you DO in fact read my posts, however, neglecting to post anything. My brother-in-law referred to this as the phantom blogger. I'm not sure how I feel about this. As long as sometime you tell me that you're reading this and that you:
a) enjoy it
b) think it's an insightful and witty contemporary journaling experience or
c) blogs are weird
...(I get c) a lot), then that's all I want. Just an acknowledgment that I exist would be great.
Now, the first disclaimer is to say that things I put on here are not necessarily the exact representation of how I feel about an issue. Take my dating comment for example.
I wasn't being serious. I don't really want to date anyone right away. And that guy from Ned Devine's...he had dark hair. Big deal. My leg hair is dark and you don't see me going crazy over that. That was just a momentary distraction that meant nothing.
Secondly, ohhhhh....who am I kidding!?!?!
Ben and I are talking again and I'm afraid one day he'll read this blog and I'll have some explaining to do, so I'm trying to cover my butt by posting this disclaimer when really I shouldn't HAVE to, I mean we're not dating again NOR will we be as long as he's living in Florida beacuse we've talked about this and we need more time apart to grow closer to God and do stuff...oh but he's so wonderful.
So. In conclusion. I don't want to be set up. I'm happy where I am. I don't need mindless dating to make me happy or help me forget. And I'm not THAT shallow. Anymore.
Oh and I went to a wedding yesterday...I'll post pictures asap.

Old days revisited

This is just a quick post before I go to bed:
Last night I had my frist home church meeting at Bruxy's house in Hamilton. I met a couple cool girls, but basically it felt like a youth group. And I'm not interested in a youth group. Call it a 'college and careers' or whatever.
And then tonight I had my prophetic group with the usual gang; a variety of relatives/relatives of my friends/post roommates etc...and realized they've been here all along, under my nose.
I have it all right in this group of friends--these people I've apparently taken for granted. And once again, listened to a lie that they're not really my friends, that they don't really care, that they're only friends with me because they have to be etc. The usual stuff my mind feeds my heart.
So here we were tonight, chatting, laughing, taking serious moments, enjoying some food and drink, sharing stories...what more could I want? What more is there to a community of friends?
It's been an interesting exercise; one I'm glad I walked through even though I've come full circle (or gone around in circles--whatever way you want to look at it.) It's not about finding the perfect friends. It's about loving the ones you have. "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." Um, kinda what I'm trying to say...but not exactly. You get the idea though.


I'm so blessed and I didn't have the perspective to see it until now.
And only true friends would listen to me go on about my quest to make new, different friends and still love me.
Sadly, I doubt I'll ever tell them this, and I don't think any of them read my blog.
If they do they certainly don't make any comments on here! Stupid friends. Who needs 'em?
Meep.
I do.

Abuse...

Today's been a total bust.
After last night's high I came crashing down. Why is life like that?
I woke this morning, rather suddenly, to the sound of my neighbour screaming at her 5 or 6 year old son. This is such a normal occurance that I don't even need to set my alarm in the mornings because her screaming is so precise and piercing.
The sad thing is it's not just yelling at him, it's physical abuse too. Bek and I can hear it, and there's nothing we can do. We're so close, but completely helpless to stopping it at the time.
After the fact, well, there's Children's Aid. Period.
Next, I head out to do a couple things, check the mail, and what do you know! There's a letter from Ben there. Not so much a letter, as a picture I'd asked him to send back to me. And he did so. No return address. No note inside. No 'Clairice' in the address....just Claire Death.
Fair enough. But it still hurt. And worst of all, the package he sent from Florida with all my stuff arrived today, but the mailman didn't knock or anything. Just left a notice that I could pick it up tomorrow after 3pm! Tomorrow?!?!? Now life's going to suck until at least 4pm tomorrow. At least I can time the suckiness.
Now, to finish off I'm feeling ill. And have been since I took antibiotics for my root canal. Ill all over.
BA!
God is good.
THERE. I said it. And I will see the glory of God in the land of the living. FYI.
Sorry, no graphics. Too...ferclempt.

New days

Last night I arrived home early from Julie's bachelorette party not feeling the best...physically and then emotionally.
I realised that outside of my family and Rebekah, who I live with, both of whom HAVE to like me, I really don't have the best network of friends. The people I see most of the time are friends by association. Which isn't cool. And is even less cool to realise one early summer Saturday night.
So I find my way to my new profile on LavaLife....you heard me. I signed up a couple days ago in a fit of self-pity, needing some reassurance that I was desireable and beautiful. It kinda worked...but it's so stupid. I'm SO stupid. Anyway, checking to see who'd sent me a smile wasn't improving my mood or spirit, but deleting the entire account helped a little. Gave me back what dignity I had left.
On top of that I started imagining what Ben was up to; how much fun he was having; who he was flirting with...who his heart was beating a little faster being around...ba! All that crap. And thinking to myself "Ben's probably having the time of his life right now. He's most likely out playing vollyball on the beach with all his church friends...his friends seemed so cool...why don't I have a group like that?"
So last night I resolved to fix this problem. I set my alarm for 8am so that I could make myself look nice and drive to The Meeting House in Oakville for their 10am service. The service was good--short, but that's not necessarily a bad thing anymore. After the service I actually had enough courage to talk to the pastor, Bruxy Cavey.
On Wednesday night I'm going to Bruxy's house in Hamilton and I'm going to try home groups. I'm really excited because I've been reading and rereading and underlining and praying about John Eldridge's book 'Waking the Dead' (which, I might mention was the book Ben and I were supposed to read together but that darlin' boy never got around to it) and all of his ideas about church and the body of Christ.
ANYWHO!
All this to say I feel like it's the first day of highschool again and I'm torn between wanting to hide in my locker or the bathroom inbetween classes and lunch, and wanting to throw myself into everything, risking it all...my pride. Something about the latter seems right, doesn't it?
Now, just as a disclaimer, I'm not saying my current friends aren't good enough, nor that my church isn't enough...I have too many friends to keep up with! But most, I'd say 75% of them live in different countries. And the other 24%, like I said before, who aren't related to me, are friends by association. I just really feel the need to branch out and do stuff!
Am I being selfish? Am I running away? Why am I feeling so guilty? I don't think I need to feel guilty for wanting to extend my LOCAL friendship network...and not to mention all the great stuff we're going to talk about in home groups.
Well, we'll see.
And your input to my questions is welcomed.

I'm the man! Wait, I'm A man? Or THE man?

Check it out! After my pathetic Sad Sunday blog I decided enough was enough! I've had this stinkin' chandelier sitting beside my fridge for over a month and no one is able to do it for me...so I thought, heck, I can do that.
And I did! Took me quite a while. It was difficult working in a dark bathroom with no lights. Candles came in handy, but were also scary.
Anyway! Cool huh? Next chandelier is MUCH bigger and it's going in my room. I post picts when it's finished.

This is me being a man. Crap, no! Being THE man. Because I have no man....I need a man.

Sundays suck

I'm lonely on Sundays.
Not one's at home.
I'm left all alone.
I'm lonely on Sundays.
....
then I've come up with a couple others for the other days of the week. Yeah, I'm pretty clever. You know, it's just came to me like BAM!--a poem about Sundays. I bet no one's ever thought to write poems about days of the week.
But seriously, Sundays aren't very fun. Alright, there's church, but come on, that only lasts two, three hours max...and that's sucking everything out of it. Arriving early...talking to everyone before and after...having lunch there...oh this is depressing. Anywho, then my roommate goes to her parents, and so do most of my other friends.
Am I the only one who doesn't feel the urge to sleepover at my parents every week? Is that wrong? Seriously, am I bad child?
Right, back to Sundays.
So, my routine had turned into me moping around the house at first, feeling really sorry for myself. Next I like to raid the fridge. Who am I kidding? I like to do that even when it's not Sad Sunday. Eventually I'll clean every surface in the house...walk to The Video Store (that's the name...they sell videos in case you didn't figure that one out) rent a couple movies and bunker down for the night. Hmmmm....come to think of it, that sounds nice. Especially before Mondays. I have a poem for Monday's too...

I'm angry on Mondays.
There's too much to do
And I don't want to see you, and you...and you!
I'm angry on Mondays.

I'm angry on Mondays.
I don't want to awake
And work, for goodness sake.
I'm angry on Mondays.
....
Just off the top of my head.....

Oh, the shame...

This is my "tee-hee, I-can't-believe-I-said-that-publicly-but-I-like-it" face. See, like I said, this blog was initially just for me to write, but then in a fit of brilliance I thought to myself "I know who'd like to read this! Everyone I've ever met!!!! Oh course!" So, I'm sorry for making you come all this way just for this...it will be better. Oh yes. Once I actually do some interesting updates. What are you all interested in? My love life? My working life? Because I've got a story or two there.
Let me know!

It has begun.

Once again, it is abundantly clear that my world is Clairiocentric...and in this universe we've just entered the 21st century. I am ashamed, yet proud I've held out this long, that this is my first blog ever. Ew, the word is still creepy and makes me rolls my eyes a little (which can make typing interesting...).
Anywho, this blog has been birthed due to an overwhelming demand! of my friends overseas. You know who you are...those of us who bonded so closely and tightly only to be ripped apart like siamese twins...hmmmm...more like siamese septuplets. It's amazing how far-reaching the bonds of friendship go.
It's almost 11pm on a Friday night...so I'm going to hit the hay. My contacts are glued to my eyes and my root canal from yesterday is throbbing. Yeah, you heard me. Root canal. It was so cool; the dentist showed me my nerve after she filed it out. Oh man...where are my T3's anyway? It's been three hours...and by the time I find them and take them and they start to work it will even out to about six hours between my last dose. Right? That doesn't seem right...for some reason.