You can't always get what you want...

I need a job.
I need A job.
I NEED A JOB. A JORB. I need one. I NEED one. I need ONE.

I feel so utterly incompetent at anything available out there--either because I'm not qualified enough or because I'd be ashamed to work there. But perhaps that's what I need. Please God, don't let that be what I need.

I feel like a failure before I even get a chance to start the day. I don't know how people do this for months on end. It's hard 'work'.

Sigh.

And everywhere I go I'm blabbing about needing a job. I figured by now someone would have suggested something that would have worked out.

And the places I have sent my resume to for positions that I could easily fit into I haven't heard back from. It's like an audition all the time. Only I'm not playing a character as I try to sell my skills, I'm playing myself and it's a lot harder to be rejected for yourself then for a character you play.

I feel a little like Joey Tribiani. Yeah, that's right.

You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might just get what you need.
Well, I need a damn jorb.

Newness and yet the same old things...

So much had changed! I'm married now! I'm a wife...ah...weird. Where are my knitting needles and slacks?

The wedding was AMAZING--what a beautiful day. I'd never imagined it as a kid, but I don't think I could have imagined how fantastic it was. Everything was beautiful and happy and relaxed--the ceremony was ethereal; the reception so much fun; dancing was endless and packed; the food delicious! And then it was over as quickly as the day arrived.

The honeymoon was also amazing--2 weeks in Jamaica in the sun (and rain), tanning, scuba diving (and coughing). It was all so surreal and wonderful.

And now we're home and all the newness is mixing with what remains. My tiny apartment is bursting with wedding gifts, Ken's things, and a dog we're dog-sitting. I now have someone sleeping with me every night, but when I wake up around 4am I'm very aware I'm waking him up too. And then there are my insecurities which don't magically disappear as soon as my last name does. Old habits and thoughts meet new patterns and obstacles in a flurry of confusion and a constant struggle to maintain routine, normality, equilibrium.

Some decisions can't be made without Ken, and some I'm more than happy to hand over to him to make for me; new groceries never purchased are added to my grocery list and new foods end up in my cupboards; the instinct to be alone at times is mocked but I haven't felt lonely in months...and so it goes.

The novelty of hot newness, like energy, transfers its' heat into the cold stagnancy of routine making everything just warm. Newness loses its' edge and routine gets a shake-up.

This will take some getting used to...the blessings and the uncertainties of being married; of being a wife (who doesn't wear an apron or use night-time cream for her face).