It's the dawn of a new ear...I'm sorry, era.

It's 12:01am.
I'm 25.

There's a VISA bill sitting, unpaid, on my desk, (from my father's VISA account no less), midwifery books and notes still to be studied, and a song playing by Blue Rodeo and Sarah McLaughin:

Tell me you dreams;
Lay your head on my pillow.
Tell me the things that you hide away;
Your pain, your pleasure, your sorrow.

I'm a year older but nothing has changed except the beginning of a new beginning. My deadline for childbearing is apparently up; I can now recall things that happened "23 years ago" (it's true--but it involves breastfeeding...sooooo I won't get into it); and I am officially at least 3 years off from when I thought I'd be married.

Things surely aren't what I had thought or even wanted them to be--but then I'm so grateful I'm not married to the man I thought I would be only a couple years ago. And I'm even more grateful for the time I've had living with Rebekah and then Gill and Ryan then Ken---these aaaaaarrrrrrre the daaaaaaays we will remember----
Midwifery has taken a turn for the worse but the experiences and memories are priceless and will be, no doubt, instrumental in the plans God has for me.

My Psalm for this year is Psalm 26:

Vindicate me, O LORD,
for I have led a blameless life;
I have trusted in the LORD
without wavering.
2 Test me, O LORD, and try me,
examine my heart and my mind;

3 for your love is ever before me,
and I walk continually in your truth.

4 I do not sit with deceitful men,
nor do I consort with hypocrites;

5 I abhor the assembly of evildoers
and refuse to sit with the wicked.

6 I wash my hands in innocence,
and go about your altar, O LORD,

7 proclaiming aloud your praise
and telling of all your wonderful deeds.

8 I love the house where you live, O LORD,
the place where your glory dwells.

9 Do not take away my soul along with sinners,
my life with bloodthirsty men,

10 in whose hands are wicked schemes,
whose right hands are full of bribes.

11 But I lead a blameless life;
redeem me and be merciful to me.

12 My feet stand on level ground;
in the great assembly I will praise the LORD.

That's a tough act to follow. I can't say I've not sat with the wicked, nor that I have led a blameless life. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this.

Anyway--thanks to everyone for a great 24th year--thanks for putting up with my crap and for holding me up in prayer far too often.

Too much too little

This is ideal really. Even for a girl. Procreate A LOT then sleep it off.


I don't know about anyone else, besides Gill, who's not having fun these days.

Personally I'm eating too many calories, spending too much, online too often and stressing too much. Oh and apparently burning TOO MANY calories. Go figure.

On the other hand I don't have enough money, nor enough time or patience to study all day every day, my internet connect it too slow and no one knows how to fix it. As I sit here the wireless router is directly beside my computer and yet it struggles.

I'm too fat, too tired, too frustrated and too undisciplined.

My relationship with God is on the fritz too. I just have NO interest in fostering anything with Him at the moment. I feel exhausted from striving and have been let down too many times to care much. I recognize that I can't see the 'big picture' but that pisses me off further. Just show me the damn picture and then I'll have something to work towards! As it stands I don't know which prayer, which time of fasting, if I ask Him this way or that way, the next time of ministry or if I worship Him in this 'new' way will get me what I'm getting after.

And this new calorie counting bull-shit I'm doing...it's been ONE day and I'm SO ANGRY. I only have 200 calories left to consume for the rest of the day. I don't understand how that's possible. It's even MORE frustrating since I'm stuck eating high-calorie things like coconut flour and agave nectar on my Elimination diet instead of regular flour and sugar.

Life is just complicated beyond any grasp of sanity these days.

Studying is REALLY upsetting because the deeper I get back into it the more I realize how screwed I am. I need to LEARN most of this stuff again. So, I opted to blog. Took some pictures of a Gerbera daisy....the ushe.

I'm doing a little work at SLP in Waterdown. That's ok just frustrating because I am the kind of person who forgets things often because I'm multi-tasking so much. Which means many many trips to Ikea for items I've forgotten.
Or even the grocery store.
For example--I went to the grocery store 2 days ago--and last night I asked Ken to buy me some coconut milk. 'No no that's all I need. Coconut milk.'
By 11am this morning I have a substantial grocery list on my fridge again. How do I do it?

I was cruising along there for quite a while---and suddenly I've collided with an impenetrable wall made of calories, books I've never finished and Visa bills. I keep trying to work through it but like a good knot; the more you tamper with it the more complicated it gets.

Enough analogies? Friggin tell me about it! I'm sick of hearing myself think.

Here's a funny picture that made me laugh out loud...or lol. Oh I lol'd and I lol'd. It was hilarious. The owners referred to it as 'the lamb-dog'.

It's the look on his face. Something between shame and fear. He also looks a little annoyed. 'Yeah yeah...I'm a lamb-dog. Sheesh...laugh it up.'

Oh mercy. Then there's my birthday.
I just filled a prescription for more narcotics for my occasional Crohn's pain--I'm considering sleeping through the 29th. I just can't settle on anything to do---and the longer I waited more and more events took up all the potential birthday dates.

25. 25. A quarter of a century.

Here are the animals that live for 25 odd years:
-some dogs...(huh....I didn't know that.)
-cows
-tigers
-cats
-pigs of the wild variety
-bulls
-rattlesnakes
-pigeons (aka gray doves)

25 is the age by which my surgeons highly recommended I should have had ALL the babies I wanted to have. "Ok, ok. Let's compromise and I won't have ANY children by 25, but I'll start AFTER I'm 25. Fair?"

In dream language 25 represents 'the forgiveness of sins'. I hope that includes self-pity and indifference.