Holiday reflections

Hey you few....
I'm desperately ill and the fact that I'm single hits home more than ever.
Anywho...I just wanted to say I'm recovering from boys. I've been having really beautiful dreams about guys that I trust. And I don't think it's God saying 'you will marry this guy in this dream' (bc I drempt about Scott Hunt....uh huh), He's just trying to reassure my heart that I can trust men...select men...but it CAN be done.
....I think the dreams are totally from God because I've been really distressed and praying about it a lot. Hating guys was a fun shtick for a while, but I'm tired of the anger. As far as I know boys don't read this blog, but if they're phantom bloggers, then I'm sorry I said I hate you. Oh, it was loath wasn't it? Well, either one...I don't hate you all. Just a few.
Thanks to everyone who wrote to me expressing their concern. It really did help.
So, Merry Christmas to you all!
AND
check out myspace at http://www.myspace.com/punkareux
It's fun and you can laugh at my pictures!
Hope to see you all very soon and if you're nearby bring me some soup. Or new lungs.
I miss my mum.

What I know...

So I've been thinking--are there any real men out there?
Because, however jaded and stereotypical this is, from what I can see, guys all want the same thing. And no matter how much older I get, or how much more experience I have under my 'belt', I never seem to learn that guy, boys, men, all want the same thing. Sex.
This is so after-school-special, but is that all I am? Some kind of meat to be had and then disposed of? Is that what it really comes down to in the end? Whether or not I give them what they want or fight for my heart?
Experience tells me, yes, that's all it comes down to.
I'm so heartbroken. I can't believe this is what it's come to. I can't believe I've ended up like this.
But I have to believe.
This is how it is. These are the facts.
I am no good to a man as a woman. I'm only good to a man as something to be 'had'. Even with good intentions, a man, at his core, wants the flesh. Damnit, not even my flesh. Just the best flesh he can get his hands on.
It's such a paradox. I want to fight for my heart, but I want to be wanted...
But in the end, it's simple.
I want to fight for my heart. And if that's the difference between eternally single and perpetually hurting, I'll take the latter.
I give up.
I'd rather be whole and lonely, then diced and desired.
This is all said with such clarity, calmness, civility...yet I loath them all.
I'm sorry I've gone back on my word, Ben. You know I hate going back on my word, but it's the truth.

I can't trust. I can't rely. I can't believe. I can't hope. I can't lean. I can't abandon. I can't humble. I can't allow myself to be vulnerbale. I've learned I can't put any stock into men. It's a depreciating accet.

This isn't how it was meant to be. I know that much as well.

Self-pitying report on life.

This about sums things up.









I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Alfred Tennyson - 1850

try again

Weird--that post for my brother-in-law is loco! After I posted my last post both posts for Chris disappeared...so here it is again...for my brother-in-law Chris:
I'm sorry I made fun of Tintern Abbey. I LOVED the abbey--but they charged me full admission (first of all...admission into a church?) when I only had 20 minutes before it closed. And then they chased me out. I ran away for a bit, got lost, then gave in.
HOWEVER disagreeable the staff were, the actually building was fantastic, and I'd venture to say it is also one of my favourite places on earth.

To Chris:


p.s. new vulgarity rule: there's to be none to little bad words. We're all intelligent people here! Let's use the other 85% of our brains and expand our vernacular. Instead of one of my favourites 'well shit' I'm going to try 'Consequently I'm perturbed and chagrined!'
ps2. I've started listening to Christmas music...anyone else?

Damage control:

Man, I've been offending people right and left here. I'm sorry everyone. This picture is for you...I didn't draw it--I found it on Google...but it says it all really. And the wolf really speaks to me.

I'd destroy this blog and start again if I wasn't so darn funny! I just can't bring myself to destroy all those funny blogs and quips. Oh, and the funny comments too! (RB, you're hilare!) But I have edited here and there, because, as a dear friend of mine pointed out, this blog doesn't really represent who I am very well.
So, I'm changing the format a little. Less negative talking...more positive, uplifting, glorifying God comments. This does not mean I won't rant and rave now and then...just less I suppose. Try and keep the anger under control.

So to avoid hurting and insulting people, I've found this excellent diagram. Please refer to it if you find yourself offended or hurt..."Oh! I just realized--I'm offended by that!" and let me know where you are on your scale of displeasure.


TTFN, everyone! It's been a gas!

Some close-ups!

This is a lioness on the prowl. This was also about the time I got really freaked out by how close she came to our vehicle. Right Amy?


And this is an elephant--this close up is more impressive on my computer. You can actually see her eye-lashes in this photo. Sorry I can't get it bigger so you can see.

To whet your palet...

So many zebra in Kenya. Who'd a thought it???!?! But they take cool pictures. Well, I take the pictuers--I mean they look cool in photographs.

This image is elephants walking into the Kenyan sunset. Romantic huh?

And this is me in Tintern Abbey in Wales. This abbey was build in the 1200s, and this is all that's left: a huge, roofless tourist trap.


How's that for now people? Concidering I'm severly anemic and consequently more lazy than usual?
love, me. Do it! LOVE ME!

I'm sorry...

Hey people.
So, as per my suspicions, I either have malaria (less likely) or mono (highly likely).
That explains my COMPLETE lack of interest in posting anything about my trip inlcuding pictures because I've been so damn tired!!!!! But I hope you do enjoy the following pictures taken recently on my new iMac.
This is my roommate Rebekah and her sister Gillian.
Hopefully I'll post something interesting soon,
love
C

myMac iMac

Ohhh....she's waiting for me at the store. My 20" iMac. Pictures and stories soon to follow.

STAY TUNED!!!!

****PHOTOS AND STORIES OF AFRICA/UK COMING SOON*****
--I'm waiting for my new computer before I download the pictures. Don't worry--sometime this week....Amy.
SORRY FOR THE DELAY.

Lost friends

Well, friends, I'm leaving tomorrow night for Africa for one week then London/Europe for two-three weeks. I'm nervous and excited, but mostly stressed right now. So much to do, so...little interest in doing it.
Anyway, the theme of this post is friends.
I've been going through an interesting phase these days. A friend-weeding phase. And I like it. I'm saying Goodbye, I love you and won't forget you to some, and others I'm reconnecting with. It's been fun.
And yet others I've been trying to reconnect with...apologise to. That's not so fun, but it feels good to do it.
But I'm sad to be leaving beause I'll miss all my friends. I don't know if I've ever really felt that before. I've always been more of a loner, so, to 'miss' my 'friends' is weird.
So, all that to say, hello to Annie who I WISH I was more connected with but just haven't been able to at ALL; hi to Patricia who's my faithful phantom blogger; hi to Beth who's ever-readiness to post something containing 'l love you' never ceases to amaze; Rebekah...my roommate, I live with you so I'll say goodbye to you later....(I feel like I'm making a speach at the Oscar's....)
and everyone else...you know who you are (catherine, jill, mandy, ruthi...) I'll talk to you on the flip-side (of the world).
love always.
Claire
ps if I die Catherine can go through my stuff first.

FEMKE! WHERE ARE YOU?

This goes out to my German-friend, Femke....where ARE you? I can't send you emails!
Leave me a message on here with your correct email address! ASAP!
love
Claire

Confirmed

Yeah! I have my tickets!
Sept 15th depart Toronto for London....have an eigh hour lay-over (Indian food!) then I'm off to Nairobi, Kenya, and will arrive in Malindi, Kenya at noon on the 17th.
We've booked an excellent hotel that's super cheap and really nice; on the beach, two pools, yada yada for $80 USD/night.
Then I leave Malindi on the 25th, arrive in London that night and stay there until the 8th of October...approximately. That date is flexible either way. If I'm having a fabulous time I might stay longer, but if not, then I'd like to be home for Thanksgiving.
Anywho, the price was so excellent. Not nearly the $7000 I was quoted. In fact I saved over $4000 from that quote. Jerks.
So, that's that!
FYI.

Pot or fish n chips. I don't know yet.

Hello, my faithful little minions.
Just a quick update:
Kenya Sept 18-25
Amsterdam Sept 25-Oct.10..ish......Germany? France....Luxemburg?
OR
London Sept 25-Oct 10ish...Ireland?....France?.....Italy?
So, I suppose this isn't so much of an update, as a lot of questions and dot dot dot, as per usual.

The Somalia idea was scraped after I learned there was a good chance I'd die there. Now, dying isn't so bad, it's HOW I might die that's the concern. Ranging from rape, bombs, mutilations, dragged through the streets, burned or eaten by a shark.
I just wasn't up for that right now.
And Liberia...well...I don't really feel like babysitting. I can and will do that here.
So, this, in the end, is just an introduction into Africa. Ames and I will go to Somalia TOGETHER another time.
And by the way, this was a huge answer to prayer that the Lord totally confirmed through Ames hours after I had decided what to do. He's cool like that.
Have a good long weekend everyone.
AND IF YOU'RE READING THIS I INSIST YOU WRITE OUT YOUR DREAM MAN QUALITIES. I PROMISE YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID!...Annie, Patricia...Catherine...I'm talking to YOU!

My Man...

...Will...
-be tall, dark and handsome (to me), with dimples and/or smiley lines by his eyes.

-not be perfect at communicating, but he will want to know how to. And we will work on it together.

-enjoy giving and receiving surprises.

-express his joys, sorrrows, hurts, happiness, dreams, fears, etc using his words, and not his telepathy.
-not be offended and defensive to everything I say...maybe 10%, because, let's face it, sometimes we mean to hurt eachother
-push me and stretch me in my walk with God and I will do the same for him
-love me...really love me and not for reasons other than he was made to love me.
-be hilarious (to me)
-be healthy and interested in being active
-have good work-ethic
-not have lived at home for at least the last year or two
-have his own car...K-car, rabbit, or rambler...I don't care...just as long as it starts and it doesn't smell like 'boy'.
-share a love of literature
-respect me and my weirdness as I will do the same for him...because I don't like being interupted, ok? I like it about as much as being teased publically and any type of condescension, bar loving condescension. Got it?
-have the foundations to become the spiritual leader of the family and a good father
-not be adverse to (I don't mean doesn't ask questions about) different denominations and theologies (ie HCF and the jewish-lovers)
-not be obsessive to the point of idolizing about things like computers/internet, sports, movies, TV, fishing...ew....please not fishing.
-be open to loving-criticism. And that's 50% my responsibility...the 'loving' part of the criticism.
-be passionate about life and love. Yeah, that's a good one.
and lastly...
-be willing to change and grow, and learn and be humbled for me, as I would for him.
oh one more...
-truly be in love with God and continue to be more then he ever would with me.

What does everyone think of this list? Too much? Too little? Too grand? I just can't bring myself to settle ladies, I can't do it. And I don't think God has that kind of plan in store for any one of us. So, leave me a post noting what your man will be...ok? Cool. Dare to believe your dream man exists.

Boulion or vegetarian chili? Your choice, but either way it's all downhill from here.

Wow. Summer's almost gone and, dare I say?, I'm looking forward to Fall. I'm pretty settled on it being my favourite season. Spring is too bright, summer too humid, winter too depressing, but fall is perfect.
Crisp mornings, hot afternoons, fires in the fireplace, tea, layers of fabulous clothing, accessories, the colours and the golden light of fall. Listen to me, I sound like a poet...but I don't know it.
Another reason I'm antisipating Fall is because things will get back into order. I'll be living at home...oh...after I get back from Africa. But THEN I'll be living at home in Hamilton, where I belong, with all my stuff and my roommate. What roommate? I think her name is Becky? Trebeky? Anywho, this apartment is home sweet home, albeit the violent racoon poo on the porch, the urine carpets and the domestic abuse downstairs....there's no place like home.
So, Africa. I'm going on the 16th-ish for one week in Kenya with my pal Ames, where we will partake in the finer things Kenyan resorts have to offer, and also go on a safari. Cool. Then I'm wide open. I've just put the feelers out for volunteer positions around the Greater Africa Area. So far an offer to babysit in Liberia and an offer to work with nuns in the capital of Somalia where I will be under heavy militia guard at all times within the compound. Um, Somalia please.
No. Seriously.
Things with my ex from highschool have kind of climaxed...in a strictly NON-bisque kind of way (would that be a boulion or perhaps a vegetarian chili?)...that's all I have to say about that.
Except that...why are boys so strange? I know it's futile trying to understand them, but why are they so increadibly different from women? Why aren't they even remotely similar in thought, emotion, language, bodily functions...
I'd say my biggest concern about men and having serious relationships with them is not their inability to communicate, but their inability to not see that they can't communicate when they think they can. Which, they try to communicate to you, but they can't because they suck at communicating to begin with. It's a vicious cycle really.
I think if I hear 'I don't know' in response to any question besides a mathematical, medical, or theological question I'm going to have to do something drastic...like shave my head.

SOMEONE GIVE ME A GOOD REASON TO SHAVE MY HEAD! PLEASE!


On that note I'm going to try and get to sleep. It's 2am and I'm not tired in the slightest. Steroids can do craaaazy things to ones body. That and a head full of confusion and a heart full of heartache. I think that's a good enough reason right there to shave my head. Sleepeeze anyone?

Redemption

These are the days of redemption...
the bag I had stolen from me at Canada's Wonderland has been found...
the scum of the business world, Bell, has refunded me my $86 for a modem that I DID return...
and most importantly I've realized that I am who I thought I was in God.

Anywho, this is just a quick post for all my frequent flyers out there. I'll post more later...and let me tell you there is much to post...yada yada...if you catch my drift.

just one more '...'
ok. That's it.

ps Hi Annie! I'm still alive and soon to be back in Hamilton for a while. We'll get together soon. And Trevor nevor called.

Lame-ass, ugliest, fattest, stolen days...

Well shit.
Ever have one of those days where you're fatter than you thought, uglier and more undesireable than you thought? One of those days where you walk down the street and every girl falls into one of three categories:
the same as me in ugliness and fatness;
better than me;
at least I don't look like that

Today was one of those days. Not to mention it's as hot as a crotch right now and has been for days. AND the heat mixed with my sweat has made my clothes all awkward and baggy. AND my big fund-raising garage sale is tomorrow, but the forcast calls for rain from the exact time I open to the time I close, 8am to 2pm.
AND in my lame attempt to help the environment, exercise, and save money I acquired a bike. However, after lugging this stupid tire pump around all day, getting rust on my baggy, ill-fitting clothes from the rusty handle, I come home to find that my bike has been stolen.

I actually thought to myself as I carried this pump-burden around all day, 'I wonder if I'll lug this thing home only to realize my bike is stolen...'

Oh, and dude-face, the lame-ass MAN who asked for my number, NEVER CALLED ME. Who DOES that? He asked for MY number and said he would 'definitely call'. I have witnesses!

This is all crap.

Hopelessly devoted

Well, it is offically over, over.
Not just broken up, but no chance to getting together again kind of over.

Anywho, I'm going to take some gravol and slip into a mini-coma for the night. I've already watched my daily depression-quota for movies, so I suppose a drug-induced sleep is the next best thing. Ciao.

Spicy and juicy...

I'M GOING TO AFRICA!
Spicy Safari!!!!!!!!!

WoooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOoooooo
ooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

And if my layovers are cool, as some of them are (paris, london, milan) I'm totally hosteling it up! And staying abroad longer. Oh sweet Jesus. THANK YOU!

That's all folks.
Oh.


And I might, maybe, still love Ben dearly.
Maybe.
There's a chance.

How incredibly random...

The other day the owner of this store I frequent so often offered to sell me the business. I laughed in his face..."Oh, Dave, that's hilarious. Can you imagine?"
Blankly stares back.
Ohhhh....
But I'm only 23; so?. But I want to travel; you can... But I don't know the first thing about selling this stuff!
Good point.

Who does that though?

"I'm selling the business. If my son doesn't buy it, I'd like you to, random-strange-girl-I've-only-met-in-the-context-of-this-store. How much, you say? Oh, $75,000."
So, obviously I jumped all over that one. I mean, I gave him the 'what-the' face.

The other random thing, I've been invited on a safari in Kenya for the end of August. Variety is the spice of life. Safari's make life spicier.

And lastly, while I was writing my last entry about Ben and my feelings for him, who could guess there was a package from him waiting for me in my mailbox. Oh yes. It was, ironically enough, a book we had been working on...'1000 questions to ask before you get married.' Suffice it to say we didn't make it through the book. Chapter 2, maybe 3.

But on the book a post-it note telling me he missed me and was thinking of me. And of course, a Mounds Bar. (like a Bounty bar only with dark chocolate).

Anywho, so I was feeling kinda bad about what I had just said about hating him and all, but wasn't feeling bad enough to take the post down. For all I know TamponGirl was there beside him as he wrote that post-it note.
She's a dancer; like I used to be. She has blonde hair; like mine used to be. She's thin; like I used to be when I was 11. Soooooo basically, Ben's in love with my 11 year-old self.

I should go to bed.
For those of you who still come around, I applaud you. This isn't what I was going for. I thought I'd have more exciting adventures to talk to you about. I thought my life would be zooming by so quickly that a blog would be the only way to keep everyone I love up to date and informed.
Anyway, even if no one reads this in a few weeks time, that will be ok. I like my little outlet.

Oh and a special 'let's burn their house down' hello goes to my dear friend Patricia. NOT Patty. It's Patricia.

Rage

I just wish more than anything that the Lord would come back.
Wouldn't that be lovely? No more fear.
Fear about the war in Israel; the genicide in Sudan; nuclear attacks; pandemics; gas prices...it's true...I stress about that; husbands; disease; (the last two are equally fearful)...
In grade 12 my favourite teacher, Mr Crocker, asked his english class which they would rather; ignorance or total knowledge. Everyone but me but up their hands for knowledge. Perhaps I chose ignorance so I could be different, or maybe because then Mr Crocker would talk to me about why I thought I wanted that. Either way, I still want that. In all honesty who wouldn't rather live in the middle of nowhere, tending to your crops, blissfully unaware of wars, disease, politics, inflation. Seriously. Versus knowing everything, your head swimming with knowledge, being totally aware of everything you could be afraid of. No thank you.
My friend Ames in Darfur has offered me 1 USD per day to entertain her on a desert island (if she ever gets sent to one). I think I'll accept her offer. At least I'll be ignorant and laughing.
All that to say, I wish I weren't here in this pain. I wish I could run away...or be run over. Either would be fine.

Days that fill in time and occupy my mind...

I don't have anything in particular to say today.
It's just been a while so I thought I'd do a little update. This also helps clear my head about life.
So, finally, here is a picture of Chad and Julie's wedding! well...Chad isn't in the picture, but he's around somewhere. These are just a wee handful of the midwives I went to school with and practiced with in the Philippines. Aren't we beautiful?

That was a good wedding. I hadn't danced in...months and months so I had all this pent up 'dance'. I was unstoppable. But perhaps someone should have stopped me. OH! I was ridiculous. Mind you, only on one glass of wine!
Let's see...I'm missing Ben tremendously. Once we started talking after the breakup I think we fell in love all over again. But last week we put an end to talking to eachother...it was just too painful. I love him desperately, he consumes my thoughts (when I allow it) but he's not the one for me now. He might be one day. And trust me, I truly hope he is.
I didn't know I could love someone so much despite how terribly annoying they can be. I am human afterall.
So, consequently, I'm mildly depressed. The other day Bek and Jenn made me laugh until I started bawling. That's a first. Then Anne Jones prayed for me outside the church while I was gardening and I started to cry again at which point she promptly announced she was late and had to go. Thaaaanks.
On the light side, I bought the most exquisit arm-chair at Value Village yesterday for $15. It's a velvety green, with a fleur-de-Lie? (lee) type design on the cushions with....TASSLES! around the bottom of it. And it's on casters. I think I can now say quite confindently that I am the best thrift shopper who's ever lived. Is that a claim to fame?
Well, perhaps that's all I'll say today.
A special Hello goes out to Femmy, my long-lost friend from Germany. Fem and I met in New Zealand on my big trip a few years ago. Because Europeans have like 2 months vacation she still travels...one day we'll meet up, right Fem?
Ciao!

Disclaimer

I've been reviewing my blog.
It's nice to know a lot of you DO in fact read my posts, however, neglecting to post anything. My brother-in-law referred to this as the phantom blogger. I'm not sure how I feel about this. As long as sometime you tell me that you're reading this and that you:
a) enjoy it
b) think it's an insightful and witty contemporary journaling experience or
c) blogs are weird
...(I get c) a lot), then that's all I want. Just an acknowledgment that I exist would be great.
Now, the first disclaimer is to say that things I put on here are not necessarily the exact representation of how I feel about an issue. Take my dating comment for example.
I wasn't being serious. I don't really want to date anyone right away. And that guy from Ned Devine's...he had dark hair. Big deal. My leg hair is dark and you don't see me going crazy over that. That was just a momentary distraction that meant nothing.
Secondly, ohhhhh....who am I kidding!?!?!
Ben and I are talking again and I'm afraid one day he'll read this blog and I'll have some explaining to do, so I'm trying to cover my butt by posting this disclaimer when really I shouldn't HAVE to, I mean we're not dating again NOR will we be as long as he's living in Florida beacuse we've talked about this and we need more time apart to grow closer to God and do stuff...oh but he's so wonderful.
So. In conclusion. I don't want to be set up. I'm happy where I am. I don't need mindless dating to make me happy or help me forget. And I'm not THAT shallow. Anymore.
Oh and I went to a wedding yesterday...I'll post pictures asap.

Old days revisited

This is just a quick post before I go to bed:
Last night I had my frist home church meeting at Bruxy's house in Hamilton. I met a couple cool girls, but basically it felt like a youth group. And I'm not interested in a youth group. Call it a 'college and careers' or whatever.
And then tonight I had my prophetic group with the usual gang; a variety of relatives/relatives of my friends/post roommates etc...and realized they've been here all along, under my nose.
I have it all right in this group of friends--these people I've apparently taken for granted. And once again, listened to a lie that they're not really my friends, that they don't really care, that they're only friends with me because they have to be etc. The usual stuff my mind feeds my heart.
So here we were tonight, chatting, laughing, taking serious moments, enjoying some food and drink, sharing stories...what more could I want? What more is there to a community of friends?
It's been an interesting exercise; one I'm glad I walked through even though I've come full circle (or gone around in circles--whatever way you want to look at it.) It's not about finding the perfect friends. It's about loving the ones you have. "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." Um, kinda what I'm trying to say...but not exactly. You get the idea though.


I'm so blessed and I didn't have the perspective to see it until now.
And only true friends would listen to me go on about my quest to make new, different friends and still love me.
Sadly, I doubt I'll ever tell them this, and I don't think any of them read my blog.
If they do they certainly don't make any comments on here! Stupid friends. Who needs 'em?
Meep.
I do.

Abuse...

Today's been a total bust.
After last night's high I came crashing down. Why is life like that?
I woke this morning, rather suddenly, to the sound of my neighbour screaming at her 5 or 6 year old son. This is such a normal occurance that I don't even need to set my alarm in the mornings because her screaming is so precise and piercing.
The sad thing is it's not just yelling at him, it's physical abuse too. Bek and I can hear it, and there's nothing we can do. We're so close, but completely helpless to stopping it at the time.
After the fact, well, there's Children's Aid. Period.
Next, I head out to do a couple things, check the mail, and what do you know! There's a letter from Ben there. Not so much a letter, as a picture I'd asked him to send back to me. And he did so. No return address. No note inside. No 'Clairice' in the address....just Claire Death.
Fair enough. But it still hurt. And worst of all, the package he sent from Florida with all my stuff arrived today, but the mailman didn't knock or anything. Just left a notice that I could pick it up tomorrow after 3pm! Tomorrow?!?!? Now life's going to suck until at least 4pm tomorrow. At least I can time the suckiness.
Now, to finish off I'm feeling ill. And have been since I took antibiotics for my root canal. Ill all over.
BA!
God is good.
THERE. I said it. And I will see the glory of God in the land of the living. FYI.
Sorry, no graphics. Too...ferclempt.

New days

Last night I arrived home early from Julie's bachelorette party not feeling the best...physically and then emotionally.
I realised that outside of my family and Rebekah, who I live with, both of whom HAVE to like me, I really don't have the best network of friends. The people I see most of the time are friends by association. Which isn't cool. And is even less cool to realise one early summer Saturday night.
So I find my way to my new profile on LavaLife....you heard me. I signed up a couple days ago in a fit of self-pity, needing some reassurance that I was desireable and beautiful. It kinda worked...but it's so stupid. I'm SO stupid. Anyway, checking to see who'd sent me a smile wasn't improving my mood or spirit, but deleting the entire account helped a little. Gave me back what dignity I had left.
On top of that I started imagining what Ben was up to; how much fun he was having; who he was flirting with...who his heart was beating a little faster being around...ba! All that crap. And thinking to myself "Ben's probably having the time of his life right now. He's most likely out playing vollyball on the beach with all his church friends...his friends seemed so cool...why don't I have a group like that?"
So last night I resolved to fix this problem. I set my alarm for 8am so that I could make myself look nice and drive to The Meeting House in Oakville for their 10am service. The service was good--short, but that's not necessarily a bad thing anymore. After the service I actually had enough courage to talk to the pastor, Bruxy Cavey.
On Wednesday night I'm going to Bruxy's house in Hamilton and I'm going to try home groups. I'm really excited because I've been reading and rereading and underlining and praying about John Eldridge's book 'Waking the Dead' (which, I might mention was the book Ben and I were supposed to read together but that darlin' boy never got around to it) and all of his ideas about church and the body of Christ.
ANYWHO!
All this to say I feel like it's the first day of highschool again and I'm torn between wanting to hide in my locker or the bathroom inbetween classes and lunch, and wanting to throw myself into everything, risking it all...my pride. Something about the latter seems right, doesn't it?
Now, just as a disclaimer, I'm not saying my current friends aren't good enough, nor that my church isn't enough...I have too many friends to keep up with! But most, I'd say 75% of them live in different countries. And the other 24%, like I said before, who aren't related to me, are friends by association. I just really feel the need to branch out and do stuff!
Am I being selfish? Am I running away? Why am I feeling so guilty? I don't think I need to feel guilty for wanting to extend my LOCAL friendship network...and not to mention all the great stuff we're going to talk about in home groups.
Well, we'll see.
And your input to my questions is welcomed.

I'm the man! Wait, I'm A man? Or THE man?

Check it out! After my pathetic Sad Sunday blog I decided enough was enough! I've had this stinkin' chandelier sitting beside my fridge for over a month and no one is able to do it for me...so I thought, heck, I can do that.
And I did! Took me quite a while. It was difficult working in a dark bathroom with no lights. Candles came in handy, but were also scary.
Anyway! Cool huh? Next chandelier is MUCH bigger and it's going in my room. I post picts when it's finished.

This is me being a man. Crap, no! Being THE man. Because I have no man....I need a man.

Sundays suck

I'm lonely on Sundays.
Not one's at home.
I'm left all alone.
I'm lonely on Sundays.
....
then I've come up with a couple others for the other days of the week. Yeah, I'm pretty clever. You know, it's just came to me like BAM!--a poem about Sundays. I bet no one's ever thought to write poems about days of the week.
But seriously, Sundays aren't very fun. Alright, there's church, but come on, that only lasts two, three hours max...and that's sucking everything out of it. Arriving early...talking to everyone before and after...having lunch there...oh this is depressing. Anywho, then my roommate goes to her parents, and so do most of my other friends.
Am I the only one who doesn't feel the urge to sleepover at my parents every week? Is that wrong? Seriously, am I bad child?
Right, back to Sundays.
So, my routine had turned into me moping around the house at first, feeling really sorry for myself. Next I like to raid the fridge. Who am I kidding? I like to do that even when it's not Sad Sunday. Eventually I'll clean every surface in the house...walk to The Video Store (that's the name...they sell videos in case you didn't figure that one out) rent a couple movies and bunker down for the night. Hmmmm....come to think of it, that sounds nice. Especially before Mondays. I have a poem for Monday's too...

I'm angry on Mondays.
There's too much to do
And I don't want to see you, and you...and you!
I'm angry on Mondays.

I'm angry on Mondays.
I don't want to awake
And work, for goodness sake.
I'm angry on Mondays.
....
Just off the top of my head.....

Oh, the shame...

This is my "tee-hee, I-can't-believe-I-said-that-publicly-but-I-like-it" face. See, like I said, this blog was initially just for me to write, but then in a fit of brilliance I thought to myself "I know who'd like to read this! Everyone I've ever met!!!! Oh course!" So, I'm sorry for making you come all this way just for this...it will be better. Oh yes. Once I actually do some interesting updates. What are you all interested in? My love life? My working life? Because I've got a story or two there.
Let me know!

It has begun.

Once again, it is abundantly clear that my world is Clairiocentric...and in this universe we've just entered the 21st century. I am ashamed, yet proud I've held out this long, that this is my first blog ever. Ew, the word is still creepy and makes me rolls my eyes a little (which can make typing interesting...).
Anywho, this blog has been birthed due to an overwhelming demand! of my friends overseas. You know who you are...those of us who bonded so closely and tightly only to be ripped apart like siamese twins...hmmmm...more like siamese septuplets. It's amazing how far-reaching the bonds of friendship go.
It's almost 11pm on a Friday night...so I'm going to hit the hay. My contacts are glued to my eyes and my root canal from yesterday is throbbing. Yeah, you heard me. Root canal. It was so cool; the dentist showed me my nerve after she filed it out. Oh man...where are my T3's anyway? It's been three hours...and by the time I find them and take them and they start to work it will even out to about six hours between my last dose. Right? That doesn't seem right...for some reason.