So I've been thinking--are there any real men out there?
Because, however jaded and stereotypical this is, from what I can see, guys all want the same thing. And no matter how much older I get, or how much more experience I have under my 'belt', I never seem to learn that guy, boys, men, all want the same thing. Sex.
This is so after-school-special, but is that all I am? Some kind of meat to be had and then disposed of? Is that what it really comes down to in the end? Whether or not I give them what they want or fight for my heart?
Experience tells me, yes, that's all it comes down to.
I'm so heartbroken. I can't believe this is what it's come to. I can't believe I've ended up like this.
But I have to believe.
This is how it is. These are the facts.
I am no good to a man as a woman. I'm only good to a man as something to be 'had'. Even with good intentions, a man, at his core, wants the flesh. Damnit, not even my flesh. Just the best flesh he can get his hands on.
It's such a paradox. I want to fight for my heart, but I want to be wanted...
But in the end, it's simple.
I want to fight for my heart. And if that's the difference between eternally single and perpetually hurting, I'll take the latter.
I give up.
I'd rather be whole and lonely, then diced and desired.
This is all said with such clarity, calmness, civility...yet I loath them all.
I'm sorry I've gone back on my word, Ben. You know I hate going back on my word, but it's the truth.
I can't trust. I can't rely. I can't believe. I can't hope. I can't lean. I can't abandon. I can't humble. I can't allow myself to be vulnerbale. I've learned I can't put any stock into men. It's a depreciating accet.
This isn't how it was meant to be. I know that much as well.
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4 comments:
claire, i'm sorry.
i feel your pain.
i hope that someone comes along who will disprove everything you've learned.
i know, it's a tall order... but i think it's possible. i think it will happen.
babe, not all guys are pond-scum (can you believe this is coming from me? am i actually defendng their gender? it's like i've suddenly found myself in the world of opposites), most of my friends are married to men with beautiful hearts. not all of them, but most of them. there are a few gems out there but, like all gems, they are rare. i have no doubt that one day you will be swept off your feet by someone who deserves you. in the meantime, stop fraternizing with these dipshits. where do you find these guys anyways?
haha. your friend amy has some GOOD, TRUE stuff to say!
dipshits! haha! soooooo true....
"I want to fight for my heart. And if that's the difference between eternally single and perpetually hurting, I'll take the latter.
I give up.
I'd rather be whole and lonely, then diced and desired."
I totally agree with what you wrote above. I love you and know there is some AMAZING man out there just waiting for God to speak to him that YOU are the one!
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