As dots on a trendy dress--these are the days of my life...

Hello my little gnag...ha! gang of phantom bloggers--I know who you are.
You are my blog-gnags.

Today's post is...gag me...deep and reflective. A little evangelical prose mixed with some good ol' cynicism and doubt.
My issue is with ... whoa. Wouldn't you believe it: I've forgotten. The Lord spake and proclaimed I shant speak against the evangelical church nigh again so he smote my short-term memory and it is still that way to this day.

No really--I sat down very purposed to write and it's just gone. I can't even tell you what it was about. Perhaps if I go back to where I was and what I was doing when I thought of it...so, I should lay back down on the carpet spread eagle and start crying while examining the crappy plaster-job on my ceiling. Ah yes. That's the ticket.

I guess I'm just confused. I feel like there's this 'key'; this particular phrase, sentense, prayer, thought, action, prophecy, PROPHET, or license plate that will make it all make sense. Something that will click in my head, heart and soul. Something other-wordly that will strike me when I'm least expecting it and despite it's simplicity will connect all the dots. You know?

Which dots? Friends, the giftings, interests, hobbies, skills, knowledge etc that I have gleened over the years is as numerous as the dots on a trendy polka-dot sun dress from last season. The dots, albeit 'cute', have no real purpose--they're just dots. They don't express anything; they don't convey an image or message; they don't work--they're just dots. Until they're connected.

And that's what my 'key' is--it's the sentense, or prayer or dream that will give me the insight into how the dots connect. But this 'key' is the most elusive, cryptic, complicated thing I've ever searched for--just when I think I have it, I realize I've been deceived. But that's the truth--isn't it? That there isn't a mystical 'key' that we just need to seek out and obtain or recite--God doesn't play games like that, (yes, He does).

No he doesn't.

(Oh, silly Claire, I can assure you he most certainly does.)

But that's not the God I want to know.

(Don't be so naive. It's the God you've chosen and you know it. You're just going to have to keep striving to get that key--until you figure out the magic words that heal you and forgive you and redeem you and give you purpose and destiny that get you a husband and a sense of wholeness. Good luck though. )

The instantaneous internal debate is unsatiable. I fight between defending God to MYSELF and doubting his character TO myself. I am my soul's own devil's advocate and it's exhausting.

Can I get a 'whoop whoop' if you're picking up what I'm putting down here?

I don't want to run through the 'hoops' anymore. I'm tired of the disciplines my other-half calls 'games'--like fasting and intercession. I want to understand these things so that they're not games--they're either a way of life or just a bunch of crap that never interests me.

I feel like I'm in highschool again and I have my main courses of interest but now I need to fill up my electives--should I choose prophecy and worship after 2nd period, or should I take a spare after lunch and end the day with a tongues class? But then that prophecy class is a real bird class, so I could potentially bullshit my way through it and it will help my average.

What exactly AM I intersted in? How exactly do I pull all this together into something cohesive and fluid? Show me how to connect the dots. What's important and what can go? What's the TRUTH and what's the lie?

Oh, look at me--little shit-disturbing Clairice. Just give me a 'whoop whoop' if you can relate at all.