New days

Last night I arrived home early from Julie's bachelorette party not feeling the best...physically and then emotionally.
I realised that outside of my family and Rebekah, who I live with, both of whom HAVE to like me, I really don't have the best network of friends. The people I see most of the time are friends by association. Which isn't cool. And is even less cool to realise one early summer Saturday night.
So I find my way to my new profile on LavaLife....you heard me. I signed up a couple days ago in a fit of self-pity, needing some reassurance that I was desireable and beautiful. It kinda worked...but it's so stupid. I'm SO stupid. Anyway, checking to see who'd sent me a smile wasn't improving my mood or spirit, but deleting the entire account helped a little. Gave me back what dignity I had left.
On top of that I started imagining what Ben was up to; how much fun he was having; who he was flirting with...who his heart was beating a little faster being around...ba! All that crap. And thinking to myself "Ben's probably having the time of his life right now. He's most likely out playing vollyball on the beach with all his church friends...his friends seemed so cool...why don't I have a group like that?"
So last night I resolved to fix this problem. I set my alarm for 8am so that I could make myself look nice and drive to The Meeting House in Oakville for their 10am service. The service was good--short, but that's not necessarily a bad thing anymore. After the service I actually had enough courage to talk to the pastor, Bruxy Cavey.
On Wednesday night I'm going to Bruxy's house in Hamilton and I'm going to try home groups. I'm really excited because I've been reading and rereading and underlining and praying about John Eldridge's book 'Waking the Dead' (which, I might mention was the book Ben and I were supposed to read together but that darlin' boy never got around to it) and all of his ideas about church and the body of Christ.
ANYWHO!
All this to say I feel like it's the first day of highschool again and I'm torn between wanting to hide in my locker or the bathroom inbetween classes and lunch, and wanting to throw myself into everything, risking it all...my pride. Something about the latter seems right, doesn't it?
Now, just as a disclaimer, I'm not saying my current friends aren't good enough, nor that my church isn't enough...I have too many friends to keep up with! But most, I'd say 75% of them live in different countries. And the other 24%, like I said before, who aren't related to me, are friends by association. I just really feel the need to branch out and do stuff!
Am I being selfish? Am I running away? Why am I feeling so guilty? I don't think I need to feel guilty for wanting to extend my LOCAL friendship network...and not to mention all the great stuff we're going to talk about in home groups.
Well, we'll see.
And your input to my questions is welcomed.